Seasons

The other day I overheard two women talking and one simply whispered "Everything has its season." As I passed by I stored those words in my mind and later that day I began to unpack the impact that simple thought truly had on me. 

So often I find myself waiting and preparing for what’s next, the next chapter of my life.  A new city, the hope of a relationship, furthering my education, a vacation, etc. etc. I constantly find myself anxious to finish the moment I find myself in, because what I plan will come next seems more exciting, fulfilling, seems more appealing.  I suppose it’s the “the grass is always greener on the other side” effect that I seem to believe to be gospel.

I often dream of the day I have a career, because no matter how much I love being a nanny, I don’t want to do it forever.

I frequently wonder when I’ll find a steady relationship, because while I’m content with being single in the moment I know I don't want to be single my entire life.

I continually imagine a moment, a time to come, when I know longer feel a war within me between being a scared little girl and a confident woman.

However, with the simple words spoken by a woman I didn’t know my entire view of life shifted.  While I’ve heard the phrase “Everything has its season” many times before, I finally heard the words not only with my ears but also with my heart.

How powerful it is to know, and then remember that every part of our life has a specific purpose, and comes in timing that far exceeds our own understanding; a purpose not to be rushed through or frustrated with, but to be appreciated and embraced.

There is a reason that I am in a season in which I’m working but I’m not in my dream career.  It gives me something to work towards.

There is a reason that I am in a season in which I am single. It is allowing me to truly seek and know myself, before I add some hottie to the mix.

There is a reason I am in a season in which I struggle between feeling like a scared little girl and a confident woman.  It requires that I work on myself to become the kind of person I long to be.

"Everything has its season." I believe this to be true. And now that I’ve opened not only my ears but also my heart to these words I truly believe that my present life has blossomed into something incredibly beautiful. I will no longer be anxious to finish the moment I find myself in. From now on I hope to know and remember that each step, each moment, each season has a specific purpose, and that the next season will come in it's own perfect timing, so there’s no reason to rush through what I have, where I am, who I am; in this moment.

Minefields

Experience has taught me that when a person exits my life they will reemerge eventually. In fact I am now a pretty firm believer in the idea that "they always come back". While this concept would have at one time been a great comfort for me, something to look forward to, a thread of hope to hang tight to, I now hate this simple belief.

I hate this idea I've found to be truth, because people tend to come back the moment I am completely content with the decision they had made to no longer be part my life , the moment my heart has healed from the hurt they caused, the moment I know I can live without them. 

I now feel so conflicted while I grieve for relationships I feel I've lost, because part of me wants nothing more than to heal and move on, while another part of me hesitates to fully recover from a heartbreak because I believe the moment I'm finally at peace with what's happened, or not happened, the person, relationship, heartache I've been actively recovering from will reappear, and tear open the wound I've been working  so diligently at stitching together. 

So often I find myself holding my breath as I make my way through the stages of grief, because I feel that if I fully exhale the hurt, pain, and disappointment I will likely take no more than two breaths before the air is knocked out of me again, with the blow of the person in question making their grand reappearance. 

The heartache in the days or months following a relationship not progressing, or working out the way I so hoped it would results in a walk through a minefield of emotions. As I've gotten older I've learned how to maneuver through these fields strategically. I've learned how, where and when to step as to avoid being torn apart from the explosions that come if I linger too long on the hopes, feelings, words, passion I'd felt. I've successfully made it through emotional minefields time after time. I've found that each time I make my way though a battlefield it's easier. I think this ease comes partially from the confidence I have in my ability to make it through a great heartache, and partially because the need to make it through a hypothetical field of emotional booby traps in one piece is an absolute necessity. 

However, the problem I now face is no longer the question of whether or not I will make it through the emotional minefields we all must walk through after heartache, whether or not Ill be able to avoid being torn apart by the emotional bombs I encounter, because I know I'll make it. The problem I now face is found in that idea of "they always come back". 

It seems to me that time and time again I've made it through minefields only to be hit and shattered by the reappearance of a person who walked away, who hurt me deeply. In my experiences these reappearances make me feel as though I've escaped a minefield only to be hit by a car. 

Get over it

One of the struggles I have is my inability to let things go.  I know from life experience that some things aren't ever going to be "ok", that some situations won't ever be resolved, that not every relationship can be salvaged.  However, I can never seem to just accept that and move on. 

I am constantly beating myself up over anything I deem a failure.  I let myself believe that every imperfect thing is my fault, that I could have done better or worked harder.  That I am too much for people, too critical, my expectations are too high, that I am the common factor in all my problems so I must be the problem.

I want to keep talking, I want to keep trying, I want to keep fixing.  I find that I take so many things far too personally, I find that I allow conflict or anything that is unresolved to chip away at my spirit, to create overwhelming anxiety, to drive me crazy.

Of course over the years I have learned from experience that not everything can or will be resolved.  So when I try everything I can, and still fall short of my goal I decide that I just need to "get over it".

I've gone to see therapists after these "failed" experiences, situations and relationships. Typically I walk in their door once I'm at the "Ash, you need to get over it phase".  After a couple sessions of pouring out my heart, and soul to a therapist I find that they're response is two fold:

1. They tell me I'm too hard on myself, as one therapist told me "Ashley, you are so full of grace for others, but have so little grace for yourself"

2. They tell me that you can't just expect to get over things.

Now I've been learning over the past couple years to actively have more grace with myself.  I still struggle with it, I still have a lot of anxiety in my imperfection, but I've made great personal strides in this area. 

The part that I struggle more with is why can't I just get over things? 

Other people seem to just stop giving a shit, so why can't I? 

Other people can just not care about a failed experience, situation, relationship, so why can't I?

Other people can just walk away, and not look back, so why can't I?

WHY CAN'T I JUST GET OVER IT!!? I yell this question to myself all the time.  But finally yesterday I was listening to Jillian Michael's podcast and she explained it perfectly:

"You don't get around things in life, you don't get over things... you work through them.... what are the lessons? what are you meant to learn? how are you going to grow?"

I thought that this statement was one of the wisest things I've heard in a really long time.  It was an idea or a concept I was already familiar with, but there was just something about the timing, and the wording that truly touched my heart. 

The truth is that people don't and can't truly just decide to stop giving a shit, they can't decide to stop caring, or they can't decide to just walk away from the experiences, situations, relationships that are important to them.  What these people are really  attempting to do is get around or over things... they aren't working through the situations, they are trying to ignore the hurt or loss, and honestly these people might get away with not giving a shit, with not caring, with not looking back FOR A WHILE, but eventually everything they are trying to avoid, everything they are trying to ignore, everything that they are trying to suppress is going to show it's self, it's going to catch up to them, it's going to flow out of their heart and spirit.  The hurt, the anger, the loss is going to pour out eventually, and will likely be uncontainable.  More than likely it's going to be a dam that breaks.  The feelings are going to flood their life when the timing is bad, the hurt, the anger are likely going to be projected onto the wrong people, the loss is going be delayed but no less painful.

So here is my new point of view. 

I can't just "get over" things because nobody is supposed to just "get over" anything, instead I have to work through things. It may be a slow, difficult journey but working through difficult experiences, challenging situations, broken relationships is the only real way to learn, grow, change and mature.  It's the only way to gather the lessons I need. It's the only way for me to be the strongest, most prepared, most bad ass version of myself. Working through things is the only way to be ready what for ever life is going to throw at me next. 

No Equation

I use to believe the problem with a broken heart was that I had a broken heart. I hated the tight feeling in my chest when I thought about the person who had caused me so much pain.  I hated the feeling of warm tears running down my face.  I hated waking up in the middle of the night overwhelmed by all my subconscious thoughts and feelings.  I hated feeling broken.

I am now a woman who has had my fill of broken hearts, and while I don't like the tight feeling in my chest, or the warm tears streaming down my face, the restless nights or the deep brokenness I feel when I find myself alone and silent, I no longer believe the problem with a broken heart is that I have a broken heart, I've decided that the true problem with a broken heart is that I don't know how long my heart is going to be broken.

At 26 years old I no longer wonder if my heart will heal. I know it will.  I no longer believe that I won't possibly move on, I know I will.  I know that my heart will heal, I will heal, that I'll meet someone new, that I'll move on.  I know that I'll love other people.  I know that I'll slowly forget how awful the end of this chapter feels. I know, I know, I know! I know so many things.  What I don't know is when the heartache will come to an end.

I wonder how long I'll continue to check my phone with that little sliver of hope that he's come around.

I wonder how long it will be until he's not the one I find myself crying in a bathroom bar about after I've had a couple of shots.

I wonder how long it will be before I will no longer be tempted to on the worst days, dull the pain with chocolate, hard liquor, male attention and sleeping until noon.

I'm thankful that with age I've learned that eventually my heart will be renewed, however, no amount of age or experience will ever provide me with an equation by which I can find the ultimate answer I'm always in search of... I will never have a way of knowing how many days it will take my heart to finally catch up with my brain. How many days until I'm finally over "that one guy"

Irrational

I've found that people love to label others as "irrational". I have been called this by many people in my past. 

Once I was called irrational by a former best friend of mine. We had been best friends for years and one day for reasons still unbeknownst to me our friendship ended. I went from talking to this person every single day to being cut out of his life in every way. My heart broke and I mourned the greatest loss I had ever felt. 

Not knowing why he had decided to end our friendship I tried for months to find the answers. I sent him emails to which he never responded. I called a few times, and the phone was never answered. Heartbroken and devastated I made one last appeal by showing up to his apartment with plate of cookies asking to come in a talk. He refused to let me in and told me I was irrational. I left that night and haven't spoken to him in 4 years.

Recently I was talking to a guy who I cared for a great deal. He's come in and out of my life for the past 15 years and for a few years now I've hoped to build some sort of authentic relationship with him.  There have been a few times through lives when our paths have crossed during which he has allowed me to see very small pieces of himself, of his  heart and as a result I lowered my own guard. I found myself vulnerable to him. 

We talked for months and then life finally gave us an opportunity to spend time together. It was great, but he didn't stick around long. There were other factors that made our situation difficult and that I understand.  I asked to still be in his life, I asked to be his friend and to that he never responded. 

After months I talked to him again. He claimed he isn't in my life because I'm irrational. There it is again. Being accused of being irrational because I long to effectively communicate with someone, because I hope for reasons as to why someone has shut me out, labeled irrational because I was brave and decided to be vulnerable, Because I decided to risk heartache. 

........

Irrational is egging a persons car because they don't like you.

Irrational is showing up everywhere the other person goes.

Irrational is calling/texting/facebooking a person over and over. 

I've never done any of those things. 

........

Asking to call the person to clear the air isn't irrational. 

Asking to meet for coffee to talk isn't irrational.

Asking to repair a broken relationship isn't irrational. 

I have done all of those things. 

I write this blog because have found that so many people I know are accused of being irrational for the same reasons I have been. People with gentle spirits and open hearts, people with a desire for clear communication, and hope to repair relationships. People willing to be humble and show their weaknesses. These are the people considered irrational. Being kind, focused on relationships, loving and hopeful isn't irrational it's courageous and shows true strength.

I wish the world would recognize this. 

Energy

You know those relationships in your life that require so much of your energy? The ones which drain you rather than fill you, the ones that are exhausting not exciting. 

The ex boyfriend who you try to stay friends with after the two of you mutually break up. 

The friend who suddenly disappears from your day to day life. 

The guy you're crazy about but you realize has put you on the back burner.

The family member who projects all their emotional insecurities and life frustrations onto you. 

You know those relationship? I do. So well.

Last night I was thinking about how these people, the ones I've (on many occasions) put the most time and energy into pleasing, into trying to make happy, into catering to, are in fact the people with whom I have little or no relationship with today. 

Let me clarify this.

Now in all relationships there is always time, and energy that is required to make the relationship healthy. There must be open communication. There must be empathy, sympathy, understanding, forgiveness, grace, and acceptance. Healthy relationships require kind words, quality time and authenticity. However, all of these must be done by both parties. Healthy relationships are a two way street, which require equal giving and receiving by both people.

So when I realized last night that the people I've put the most time and energy into pleasing, into trying to make happy, into catering to, are in fact the people with whom I actually have little or no relationship with, it occurred to me that this was because all that time, and energy was being focused and used on relationships which weren't really relationships at all. 

Once I realized this I was of course frustrated that I have repeated this cycle  so many times and I was sad that I've wasted my energy on the wrong people on the wrong relationships. I immediately  determined that I will do longer do this. 

With my new found awareness fresh on my heart I happened to hear a quote this  morning which is incredibly fitting for my life right in this moment: 

"Channel your energy to the places in your life where it will have the most positive effect..."

So there it is, the way to change the poor relationship habits Ive allowed to be such central part of my life.  No more trying to convince someone I'm worth sticking around for, that a friendship with me would benefit them, that I'm the girl they should move from the back burner position. No more allowing myself to be the doormat, the pushover. No more energy wasted on negative people, in negative places; where my energy is drained and my spirit is shattered. 

From now on if it's not going to result in positive effects it no longer has my time, attention or energy. 

5 AM Realist.

I couldn't sleep last night which is absolutely nothing new. So as soon as I saw the first sign of the rising sun I laced up my running shoes and took off into the early hours of Saturday morning.

One of the things I'm constantly thinking about are my relationships. Lately I've been thinking about how I've gotten where I am. The roads I've taken, and the choices I've made.

About half way through my run this morning I realized that a continual struggle I have when it comes to men, dating, the idea or concept of love is that I so desperately long to be a romantic but after countless heartbreaks and overwhelming heartaches an avalanche of hurt swept me up and I found myself taken from a beautiful hope filled place of optimism and romanticism to a valley of frustration and realism.

Now I'm not saying there is anything wrong with being a realist when it comes to love. Being a realist has its benefits for sure, but there is a problem when being a realist means not being who or how you are at your core.

For as long as I can remember I had a beautiful idea of how I wanted my life to go. I wanted to be the girl who waited for the right guy. The girl who didn't settle, who was willing to make personal sacrifices for something I had yet to find. But slowly, after getting hurt and rejected over and over I began to see myself as foolish to believe that some guy was out there waiting for me, looking for me like I anxiously sought him. 

I remember the day I put romanticism in a box and decided to be a realist.  I in no way regret that day or the decisions that followed because I've grown, and learned a lot since. I've found parts and pieces of me I didn't know existed. I've grown up a lot emotionally and even mentally since becoming a realist.

However since that day, since those decisions I made there has been an inward battle I've been fighting. I have been living as a realist but I am no realist, I long for the passionate, for idealism, however, I put that part of me away so long ago that it's now covered in dust; hidden from me, now very foreign and now very scary.

How I long to be a romantic again, to get back to believing that I don't have to settle, that I will find what I greatly desire.  How I long to once again believe in the seemingly impractical.

However, romanticism, something that was for so long a part of me, is now completely terrifying because it takes faith that I've lost,  it takes hope that I struggle to have, it takes fighting for something I can't be sure even exists.   Allowing myself to be a romantic again would mean allowing a part of me that I’ve been suffocating to come to bloom again. I would have to bravely allow myself to hope and dream again.  I would have to let the passion, the idealism, the most impractical and possibly even foolish thoughts once again flow from my heart.  I would have to go back to parts of my former self. A self I have for so long been hiding away, too afraid to revisit.

Broken

I'm broken. I'm not looking for anyone to put me back together. That's not anyone else's job. What I'm looking for are the people who love me enough to hold me while I'm weak. What I'm looking for are the people who support me while I put all my pieces back together. What I'm looking for are the people who love me enough to see all my beauty even in my brokenness.

Like Belle

Beauty and the Beast came out when I was in Kindergarten.  I adored that movie.  Belle was so beautiful, adventurous, and brave.  She wanted to be smart, she didn’t like the guy all the other girls did, because she could tell he was a conceited, douchebag, and she even had brown hair like me! Belle made the greatest sacrifice she could for the person she loved most, she was kind to the beast who held her captive, she was feisty and stood her ground, and she became a beautiful light in a very dark place.

Belle was awesome and so I dressed up as her for Halloween. I was so excited to let my inner Princess Belle shine! When the day came for us to wear our costumes to school many of the other girls in my class had also dressed up as Belle.  However, my mom had made my Belle costume and they had all gotten theirs from a store.  On the playground a few of the other Belle’s made fun of my costume.  They informed me that I didn’t have the real costume, which meant I wasn’t the real Belle. I didn't cry or let them know that I was hurt. But I was broken hearted because I wasn't a princess.  

 

 

Flash forward to now.  It’s been 20 years since I showed up to school in that Belle costume and that encounter on the playground still sticks with me. I’ve gone through the past 20 years wanting to let my inner princess shine while being told by the world around me that I’m no princess at all.

I’m told I’m not beautiful enough, or brave enough.  I’m told I’m not smart enough or that adventure is for someone else.  Guys (not all of course) don’t treat me like I’m a valuable princess.  To so many I’m just a regular girl, easily tossed aside, easily ignored, easily replaced.  The world has spent the last 20 years trying to convince me that I’m wrong in believing I’m a princess and deserve to be treated like one.  And recently, I must admit,I have started to believe that I belong in the tower alone, and not in a ballgown with a crown on my head. But tonight, tonight I realize that’s ridiculous! I am a princess and I must remind myself of that!

Like Belle I am beautiful, adventurous and brave.  I desire to learn and grow.  I don’t want to settle for guys who don’t treat me like I’m a priority, who act as if I’m invaluable and replaceable. I want to make great sacrifices in the name of love and I want to show kindness to the beasts I encounter.  I want to be like Belle, a feisty  princess who knows what she deserves and knows what she is worth. A pricess not because I have the right dress, but because I am a light in the darkest of places.   

So starting now I’m going to pick myself up off the tower floor, I'm going to wipe the tears from my eyes and I'm going to lift up my head. I’m going to pick up my crown that the world has for 20 years been knocking off my head.  This time however, instead of just putting it on and waiting for it to be knocked off again I’m going to shine it up and I’m going to secure it to my head, it’s not coming off again.  I’m going to wear it proudly while I go on my adventures, and gain knowledge.  I’m going to show it off while I’m making sacrifices and when I encounter beasts.  I’m going to let it shine while I wait for the guy who recognizes that the dungeon is no place for me, that I’m supposed to be in a beautiful dress being swept across a dance floor. I am a princess and from now on the world is going to know it.

 

 

 

Patience and Passion

You know those days when you need something but you aren’t sure what it is exactly you need?  You feel “off”, your body is restless; your mind is in overdrive.  You know you need something but you can’t figure out what it is.

I have a lot of days like that.  Days where nothing is wrong per say, but life isn’t exactly right either.  Sometimes on those days I need a cupcake, sometimes a nap.  Sometimes I need a glass of wine, or two.  But usually, usually what I really need are words.  I can feel that I need filled up, with words, with wisdom, with a concept, belief, idea, encouragement.  I need to find a piece of truth that I haven’t found yet, but that has been found by those who have come before me. So, I read.  I read the words of those who have journeyed through this life and found nuggets of truth that I have yet to discover, who phrase things in ways that my spirit understands before my heart or mind do. Who have a piece of me, that I need, but didn’t know was missing. Today, like so many other days I was desperate to find such words, and thankfully I found exactly what I needed.

Seek patience and passion in equal amounts. Patience alone will not build the temple. Passion alone will destroy its walls.

                         -Maya Angelou

Those beautiful words were everything I needed today. They brought together weeks of jumbled thoughts and feelings that I’ve been desperately trying to sort out on my own.  I’ve been trying to get my heart, mind, spirit in order, to clean up what feels to be a giant mess inside of me. I haven't been able to pin point my exact problem or frustration I have been having an extremely difficult time sorting myself out.  However, after stumbling onto these words this morning I have finally discovered my great struggle at this point in my life. I don’t have patience and passion in equal amounts.

Personally I believe that passion is one of the most beautiful things there is in this world.  Passion is seen through artist’s work, the kind of work that makes you stop, reflect, and dig deep.  Passion is seen in love, the kind of love that takes your breath away.  Passion is seen in life.  In people who dare to stand out, who take risks, who dream big.  Passion makes you look and think differently, it makes your heart beat fast and makes your imagination run wild. Passion is intoxicating and brilliant.  Passion is true beauty.

I so desire to be passionate.  I work hard.  I create. I love. I dream.  I pour my heart and my soul into the things I do.  I allow my empathy, sympathy, and love to be my fuel. I live with the idea that I want to be truly passionate about my life, and so I try my best to be.

Personally I believe that patience sucks. Being patient is one of the most challenging and frustrating things I have to do.  The idea of going without instant gratification is not something I’m a huge fan of.  Having to wait makes me anxious.  I become restless in my body, spirit and especially my mind.  If I have to be too patient, if I have to wait too long, I get lost in my thoughts, and once that happens I’m a goner.

Patience is most difficult for me because there have been so many times when I have waited patiently only to end up with nothing.  Patience has led to much heartache.  Patience has led to wasting my time.  Patience makes me feel helpless. 

Simply broken down, to me, patience is waiting, and passion is doing.  And I’d much rather do than wait.

However, after reading the Maya Angelou quote this morning I’ve begun to realize that I have the wrong mindset when it comes to patience and passion. I am now realizing that I need my life to be fueled by both.  I am constantly feeling like I am passionately running as fast and as hard in this life as I can yet I’m getting nowhere.  I feel exhausted.  Maybe just maybe that’s where this patience thing comes in.  Perhaps it’s about passionately doing everything, but in a slower, steadier way.

Maybe I’m so busy building a temple that I haven’t realized all the walls I’m destroying at the same time.  Maybe if balanced my passion with some patience I’d no longer feel like I was running fast and hard with no end in sight.  Maybe if I add a little patience I won’t be quite so exhausted. Maybe with the addition of patience I’ll actually find what I’ve been passionately seeking.

Vulnerability

A couple days ago I was at the playground with Parker. There was a little boy there with his sisters and mom playing hide-and-seek.  He ran up the playground equipment with one of his sisters following him.  He giggled and laughed as his mom prepared to find him.  He yelled to his sister “Quick! Hide in this tube, and make sure to close your eyes… if you close your eyes she can’t see us.” There it is, the simple idea that if you want to escape something all you have to do is: run, hide, then close your eyes, and if you do those things, you’ll be safe. 

I’ve had a desire to run away for a while now.  I’ve been looking for a place to run.  As I write this I’m finally realizing why. I’m about to take some pretty large life steps.  I have a lot of choices to make about what’s next in my life, who I want to be, what my life is going to look like.  I’m trying to figure out, who I am, and where I want to be, what I want to do.  For a while now I’ve just been transitioning into adulthood, but now it’s time to make adult decisions, and that’s scary.

I really try to be fearless. There isn’t much I’m afraid of, and when I realize I am afraid of something, I don’t like it, so I do my best to conquer the fear. I was afraid of flying, conquered that fear. I was afraid of zombies, conquered that fear. However, the thing I can’t stop being afraid of is vulnerability, and now that I’m beginning to have to make adult decisions, I’m being forced into being vulnerable.

Vulnerability is scary because when you allow yourself to be vulnerable every hurt that was a result of past vulnerability comes flooding back.  All the rejections and heartaches you've experienced flow over you.  You remember how you cried, how you fell to the ground, how you couldn’t breathe, how it felt like your heart had been ripped out.

Vulnerability is scary because it’s you acknowledging and revealing your heart’s true desires.  Once you’ve acknowledged to yourself what you want there is no more ignoring it.  Once you’ve revealed the true desires of your heart, there is no more hiding them.  Once you are vulnerable about something there is no taking it back.

Vulnerability is scary because it makes you feel weak.  You feel like you’ve lost the upper hand, you feel like you’ve relinquished any sort of control you may have had over a feeling or desire.  Being vulnerable is the opposite of running, hiding and closing your eyes. Vulnerability is allowing yourself, your heart, your desires to be seen.

So, there it is, that’s why I want to run away because I know it’s time to acknowledge and reveal my heart’s true desires but to do that I know deep down I’m going to have to get very vulnerable and that scares me. Vulnerability scares me a lot, and I’m not so sure I’m strong or brave enough at this particular moment to be as vulnerable as I know I’m going to need to be. I just don’t know.

Ignite your soul

One of my very best friends just got offered a spot in the Peace Corps, an offer to be placed in Botswana.  She applied to the Peace Corps just over a year ago, and for the past 13 months she been anxiously awaiting first acceptance into the Corps, then once that happened placement. After busting her ass for years my best friend finally got what she wanted, and the moment she got what she had been working so hard for other things fell apart in her life, for she realized that if she goes away that puts her personal relationships here, on hold.   

My best friend realized that getting what you want often comes with a cost, and if she wanted to accept something new in her life, that would require that she eliminate, or at the very least put on hold parts of the life she had been building while waiting for her ultimate goal.  The night after she got the offer to be placed in Botswana we had a two hour conversation. For hours we talked as she attempted to decide exactly what life she wanted: the one she had been working so hard at building in Tucson, or the one she has dreamed of in Africa. 

I haven’t talked to my friend since.  She has a week to make one of the biggest life decisions she’ll ever have to make, she’ll call me when she needs to talk, but the final thought I left her with last week was this: “I'm going to miss you so much, but I know that this experience will ignite your soul and life is about working towards the moments that do that.”

 “This experience will ignite your soul and life is about working towards the moments that do that”, what an amazing thought, I don’t know where that wisdom came from, God probably.

I’m not sure about you but most of my days are mediocre at best.  I wake up, I go to work. I do some homework, hit the gym, watch Netflix, text my friends, jump on and off of Facebook, a few times a week I call up friends or family members to have one- on- one time we can’t have in person.  I might go to Starbucks or on a mini adventure, but really for the most part my days are just your average everyday days. 

However, while I’m working to make it through the day to day I am also working for a much bigger picture. I decided a long time ago that while many of my days may be mediocre the idea that my overall life story will end up being run-of-the-mill is unacceptable.  So, I have invested my time in energy into things like relationships and education.  I pour all the energy I can into these two things because I know that if I stock pile these things moments, opportunities and experiences will arise when a spark will come, when my soul will be ignited in ways more than I can even imagine, and when those moments happen I want the flame to burn bright, fueled by the surplus of knowledge and love I have stored up. 

After talking to my friend last week though, I now realize that wanting the sparks to come isn’t enough, because they will inevitably come.  Through the years I will be offered things, I’ve worked towards. I will find love I’ve been searching for. I will be given opportunities I’ve dreamed of.  After talking to my friend I now realized that wanting the spark can’t be where I stop, being willing to accept the sparks that will ignite my soul will be the real challenge, finding the strength and courage to jump when it’s time.

So this is what I leave you with today. First I ask, what are you stockpiling in your soul?  What is waiting to be ignited inside of you? Secondly I ask, when the time comes, which it will, when your soul is ignited will you hesitate? Will you stop and question your hopes and dreams? Will you consider giving them up to settle for what you’ve created while waiting for them, or will you embrace the gift of an ignited soul; embrace the fire that wants to spread?

The Now.

I admire my brother. He has this knack for being able to live in the present. He calls me up for advice sometimes.  He asks me what I think of plans or ideas he has.  Without fail, I tell him the same thing I tell everyone when they ask me for life advice, I tell him to do what makes him happy, that life is too short to live in a way to simply please others, or to do things only because you think that’s what you are supposed to do.  So he goes with that, he does what makes him happy, he adds that to his ability to live in the day today joy he finds in pizza, cigarettes, concerts and his friends, overall I know my brother is content with his “now”. 

I frustrate myself.  I have the tendency to live everywhere but the present.  I find myself suffering with depression from my thoughts and spirit being filled with the past and I am constantly overwhelmed by anxiety from the things yet to come. I ask myself what I should do sometimes, and in response I tell myself to do what makes me happy, that life is too short to live in a way to please others, or to do things simply because I think that’s what I’m supposed to do. However, unlike my brother, I can’t seem to just do that. I struggle through most days, wanting so badly to be the carefree, joyful, adventurous girl I know I am, but instead I find myself weighed down by all the hurt of my past and the complete nausea that comes with not knowing what the future holds. 

Today I stopped and thought. I’m obviously not living a life that makes me happy, and so I should do something to change that.  I sat down and I am making myself think about what I really want, what would make me happy ...would make me content. I don’t know what the answer to that is yet, but I’m sitting here and I’m going to dig deep to figure out what the answer is, because I don’t want the past or future anymore, I just want the present. 

 

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. 

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Nice people

This morning I was thinking about how complicated a lot of my relationships are with several people right now. Apart from God I value personal relationships with people above all else. With the importance I place on relationships my thoughts are constantly thinking about all the repair that's needed in particular ones, depending on the season of my life. I usually have a list of people I know I need to invest more time and love into if we are going to have a strong relationship. It's common for me to continually have things I'm working on in my own heart, mind and spirit because I recognize that sometimes to repair problems, or difficulties I'm facing with another person the solution is the need to humble myself. Having said that, I am also very aware that I often want to fix things that I didn't cause to break. I often want to take the blame for the hurt or friction I'm experiencing with another person, even if it was their doing. That of course is a problem.

Over the summer I was sitting at my friend's house. They are wonderful, loving people who I am so thankful to have been given. I was explaining my frustration with not being able to repair broken relationships. My friend very lovingly told me that in me he sees the 7 year old me constantly shining through. The little girl who cannot believe that people don't always have the best of intentions, that at times people honestly don't care if they hurt others, that people will purposefully use me, then toss me aside when I have fulfilled whatever they had decided I was good for at a particular place in their life. He was right. While I'm not naive and I know in my head people do all those things, in my heart and my spirit the 7 year old me struggles to accept it as truth. With this inability to force myself to see that others don't always have sincere intentions I allow many people into my life who don't deserve my time or attention. People who regardless of how I feel or how much I adore them being around are simply examples of people who are better for me to love at a distance.

With all this thinking I started wondering how this keeps happening. I mean, I am sometimes surprised by the true colors I find in people, however for the most part I'm pretty careful to only let "nice people" into my life. That's when I realized something, nice and kind are two different things, thus, nice and kind people may be two different kinds of people.

To me nice people are people who's actions are pleasing, agreeable, maybe even respectable, however, a kind person is kind because of the condition of their heart. Kind people's love, compassion and tenderness comes from somewhere deep within their spirits, from their core. Nice people have it right on the surface, and it's possible they desire to have it go deeper, they may even be actively working for that, but for kind people good deeds, thoughtful words, selfless actions are an overflow of some driving force deep within them.

Now don't get me wrong kind people aren't perfect, they are still people.  Kind is the normal condition of their heart and spirit but that doesn't mean that they don't have hard times, get into bad moods, and that they don't sometimes trade in their good deeds for mean or hurtful actions. They do. It happens. However, I would argue that people who dedicate their life to being kind are sorely disappointed when their flaws over-shadow their intentions. Kind people break their own hearts when they hurt others with their words, actions or selfishness. Kind people recognize that when good is not seen outwardly, it's because something inwardly is off. Unlike a nice person, a kind person is never content with action alone they are striving for a life journey that will result in a mind, heart and spirit transformation.

So after thinking about all this, this morning I've determined that maybe I put too much energy into nice people, maybe I allow myself to be wounded too easily, or , maybe I just have unrealistic expectations. I'm really not sure. All I know is I try to believe that others care for me goes deeper than I see, that if they are nice and do nice things for me, then it's an overflow of a kind heart. I like to believe that people mean well and deserve multiple chances. However, I am recognizing that I lie to myself  that I try to convince my heart that if people are nice, they must also be kind, that they always have noble intentions, they always mean well. I now realize that's just not always the case.

A Red Shirt And A Black Sharpie Marker

For weeks advertisements filled with sales on candies and cards have been shoved through the mail slot to my apartment.  At the gym I've watched countless flower and jewelry commercials play. Even Facebook is swarming with posts about how in love people are, or about how disappointing it is to be single this time of year. There is no way to escape that tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. I was pretty certain I would end up writing something about Valentine’s Day, since it is impossible to go anywhere right now without being hit in the face with the unavoidable fact that it is right around the corner but I wasn't sure what I would write about. 

When I was in elementary school I loved Valentine’s Day.  I loved going and buying cards for every person in my class. I would sit for hours at the wooden dining room table in our house with a class list beside me and thoughtfully determine which card each person I knew would get.  My mom and I would make some sort of dessert for my class party, and the morning of Valentine’s Day I  would get a ride to school as my mom helped ensure that everything I had worked so hard at making for my classmates arrived to school intact.

After elementary school I went from giving cards to everyone in my class to lovingly choosing Valentine’s Day gifts for my best friends.  Not being one who finds romance, my Valentine’s Days for the past 15 years have involved only two things:

1. Receiving a bouquet of flowers from my dad

2. Buying or making, then exchanging gifts with my closest friends. 

While I struggled with not having a significant other to share this day with for many years, I’m now at year 25 with no Valentine, so there isn't any sadness or bitterness left. I've come to accept that I’m single, for this stage of my life.  While I of course have times where I’m dissatisfied with the idea of being perpetually single I know that the truth is right now I’m supposed to be, or I wouldn't be. So rather than crying, or being pissed, or being bitter about the fact that I have no plus one in my life yet, I try my best to embrace it.  I try to focus on constantly improving myself, so that when a guy does come into my life, at the right place and in the right time, I am the best version of myself I can be.

With that goal in mind, I have pushed aside any sadness that attempted to come at me, in regards to the holiday tomorrow and I instead asked myself “if I’m focusing on being the best me what that does that mean for Valentine’s Day this year?” I’d be lying if I said tomorrow I want to celebrate being single, because geeze that’s not true, but I realized I need to intentionally delight in the love that I do have, that I have been given, that I have found.

There is a great love from God I have found. I believe and have faith in this God that loves me regardless of what I've done or where I've been.  He loves me unconditionally and asks only that I love Him, and others in return.

There is a great love from my family that I have known my entire life.  I have a family filled with people who would do anything for me, who I can call on night and day.  They have taught me the beauty and importance of selfless, grace-filled love.

There is a great love I have for my friends. Some of whom I've known for so long I couldn't imagine life without them.  Some friends who I've just met in recent years, even just in the past few months, yet, regardless of the length of time I've known these people, I have managed to find some of the most accepting and kindhearted people imaginable.

There is a great love I have for some guy out there. I’m not sure when he’ll enter my life, I don’t know who he is, but I know the kind of man he is, so he’s already inspiring me to be the most beautiful version of myself I can be.

So much love! All around me! In so many forms!

So, all day I was thinking about Valentine’s Day, and all the love I have in my life. I was trying to decide whether or not to write about any of this.  However, when I got home, I logged onto Facebook and as I scrolled through my news feed I immediately knew what I wanted to write about.

Tonight my friend posted a picture of a shirt her son Emmett made.  Emmett is a sweet little boy with such a big heart. The picture posted was of a red shirt with the names of Emmett’s “Love Friends”.  My friend explained that the names were of each of his kindergarten classmates and his teachers. The names fill the shirt in his perfectly, beautiful six year old writing.  As I looked at the picture the shirt touched my heart in such a way it almost brought me to tears…

I immediately thought about the hurt, loneliness and bitterness so many people will feel tomorrow and I pondered “What if we all did what Emmett did? What if tonight each of us went out and bought a Valentine’s Day shirt?  What if we took black sharpie markers to the shirts, and began writing the names of everyone we have ever loved, and anyone who loves us?”  I guarantee that if we are honest our shirts would begin to fill up quickly.  They may not fill up with names of people, who are in love with us, or those who we’d like to go on a dates with us this weekend, but they would be filled up with names of people who would do most anything for us. Family members, friends, acquaintances, past loves, maybe even some pets : ) Then say we each took the shirt we made, put it on and wore it around tomorrow.  Sure there might still be a little disappointment that there isn't a guy around to make a steak for tomorrow, and some melancholy when no roses show up with your name attached, in the morning, but how sad could a person really get if every time they looked down for 16 hours all that they saw was a shirt filled with the names of people who love and are loved. I imagine being surrounded with that much visible love all day it would be pretty challenging to stay down for long, it might even prove to be impossible.

Now, I doubt any of us are going to run to Wal-Mart with this idea I've presented tonight, to go out and buy the materials needed to make a shirt filled with our “Love Friends” but here is my encouragement for everyone.  Tomorrow, when you feel tempted to be sad, or lonely, angry or bitter because you don’t have a Valentine, take a moment to close your eyes and imagine that you are wearing a red shirt, with the sharpie’d on names of the  people who love you and who you love.  Take a moment to be thankful for the love that you do have, and have faith that you will find the love you desire.  Take a moment to count your blessings for all the “Love Friends” that fill your life right now, and know that this coming year, if you keep your heart open you’ll be adding more loved ones to your list, and you never know! this may be the year that you add a “Love Friend” that will one day also be your Valentine.  

Plain Noodles

I knew when starting this blog there would come a day when I'd feel compelled to write about my struggle with depression. It isn't really anything I've looked forward to writing about because it's not something I love talking about. My struggle with depression isn't something I enjoy sharing with people but I recognize that if I want to be authentic and real it's a subject I should be opening up about.

Last night I was at the laundry mat watching four dryers filled with my clothes spin round and round. As I watched my clothes dry not a single thought ran through my mind. That's the moment I realized something was off. Normally my brain is in over-drive, thoughts fill it at a speed so fast I'm unable to keep up with myself. I can't help myself from over-thinking everything all the time. And this is the me I've come to accept. The me who is completely in my head, perfectly content with observing the world around me and thinking about everything that flows into my thoughts. Last night however there were no thoughts other than the fact that my mind was completely empty. In that moment I internally screamed "noooo!"

Depression is this thing I always know is there just waiting to show itself again, but I always deep down wish that I've escaped it, that I've battled it to it's death. However, that's never the case, it eventually returns. So when it does I immediately begin an inward rage. I get so frustrated, so discouraged with the idea that I might have to struggle with this, and deal with this my entire life. As my clothes finished drying I realized I needed to get home. Immediately.  

The perfectionist in me tried to convince myself to not just throw the clothes in the baskets "it's going to be so much work Ash" I told myself "when you get out of this funk you'll have to steam every piece of clothing in those four dryers", but I threw all the clothes quickly in baskets anyways, loaded my car and drove home.

My thoughts were filled of all the other times I'd sunk into depression. All the pushing away from people I've done, all the moments I'd said too much or not enough, the having to explain my depression to people and their responses to what I tell them.

" Wow, but you're so pretty and nice" ... As if only mean, ugly people get sick. That's not how this world works.
" Just pray about it" .... As if I hadn't thought of that idea. No one will ever know the amount of times I've begged God to take this from me.
" Oh... Well... Just be happy" As if I could just shake depression out of me. The people who say that to me, don't ever even get a response.

The moment I walked through the door I headed straight to my bed and collapsed.  I then slept for 14 hours until my alarm rang this morning.
                 
Last night while I was sleeping I missed numerous text messages, more than one call, and a birthday party. I feel shitty, but honestly that's just what happens.  This morning I forced myself to get up, get dressed, do my hair, and makeup. There was a time when I suffered from depression that I would never have made myself to any of those things, but now that I've realized it's going to be a constant struggle in my life I have to at least force myself to do some things.

I had three short text conversations with three friends this morning, all who know about my depression. Honestly, I didn't want to talk to anyone but I forced myself to respond. Each made attempts to show that they love me and that I'm cared for, and of course I appreciate it, but right now  kind words won't sink in, love from others only goes so far, I've been in this place enough times to be aware of that.                                      

I started forcing myself to think. " When did this start again?" I asked myself.  I realize that it's been weeks. I found myself extremely frustrated with the fact that I went 10, or 12 days without me having realized that I'm deep into depression. I've been battling this for six years now, you'd think I would've known that I was here, but I didn't. I started racking my brain for crazy things I may have done or said without realizing it. It's likely I haven't been checked in and present. I have likely frustrated people and have probably been pushing people away because that's what I do, both consciously and sub-consciously. I don't want to deal with this and I certainty I don't want others to have to deal with it as well.

Today I made Parker lunch, and I sat as he ate a pile of plain noodles.  As I watched this sweet boy eat I realized that plain pasta is like depression... Follow me here for minute.

I love food, I love spices, and flavors, condiments and seasoning. I love Mexican, Indian, sushi, the list goes on and on. When people ask, me what I don't like, what I won't eat, the response is olives. That's it. Great food is like living. It's exciting. The foods I love the most feed and nourish my body, but they do something else  they bring me on adventures, they make living all that more exciting. Food like plain noodles however, is something else. It's dull, and tasteless. It's just boring. That's how days in depression feel. Sure, you're living, but everything is bland.  When you're like me, a person who loves life, and adventure, bland is frustrating.  I've seen so many things, I've had amazing moments in my life, I've experienced so much joy and love. So when I'm thrown into depression, it's like being ripped away from a buffet of all my favorite foods and being forced plain noodles.

So here I sit today with depression sitting in front of me like a bowl of plain noodles.  If I only knew the taste of noodles it wouldn't be a problem, but I've tasted great things from so many places, which makes anything bland not only disappointing, but heart-breaking. I am aware that eventually my depression will subside and the flavors of my life will return, they always do, but it doesn't make what I have to eat right now any better.

Blindfolded

The rite-of-passage into adulthood for a Cherokee Indian boy is for his father to take him into the the woods and blindfold him. The boy is then left alone. He is required to sit in the spot he is left. He must not remove the blindfold until the sun shines through it. If he  makes it through the night he is a man.

Obviously, the boy is terrified. Being in the dark, blindfolded, his mind plays tricks on him. He can see nothing, but hears everything. He is surrounded in darkness and is completely helpless. 

Finally, after a fearful night, the sun rises and he can remove his blindfold. It is then he discovers his father sitting beside him. Without it knowing, his father has been there the entire night, watching over him, ensuring he makes it through the terrifying night safely. 

There came a day in each of our lives, when we felt as though we were thrown from the beautiful, bright innocent life of childhood, into the a world that is scary, dark and filled with the unknown. That day happened for every person in different timing and in different ways.  Some children were thrown into the dark after having their innocence stolen from them. Some young adults slipped and fell into the world of uncertainty. The light that once helped guide them safely along paths seemed to slowly go out and before they knew it their world was filled with darkness.  And for some people life just began to pile on hurt and uncertainty at a slow yet steady rate, until, one day those people were completely unable to see anything at all.

Regardless of how you found yourself in the dark I am sure you can relate to the boy sitting on the stump, blindfolded, unable to see the world around him.  When senses we so rely on are taken from us, our heart and spirit are instantly filled with fear.  While you can guess what is happening or what is to come from using the senses you have left, you recognize that you can’t fully know what is truly going on around you. As you entered your adulthood you realized a sense had been stolen from you, and uncertainty started filling every part of your being.  Your childhood was gone and you found yourself blindfolded, and scared with no idea what is coming next.

So here you sit in the dark of the night with the blindfold tied around your eyes. Terrified and full of uncertainty, but just as it is true that all of us have to take our turn sitting in the dark, it is also true that dawn always comes, if we can only make it through the fear and the unknown of the darkness.

The thing I've noticed, however, even in my own life is that when the sun comes up we often refuse to take the blindfold off, because we have come to accept and even find some sick sort of delight in the fear and pain we've expereienced.  It sometimes seems more terrifying to take the fabric from our eyes, than it is for us to stay blinded by it, because we’ve learned to understand the dark, and we’ve decided to settle for the lack of peace.

Let’s not live like this anymore!  When the sunrises let’s find the strength and bravery to rip the blindfolds off our eyes.  Let’s determine that the nights purpose was to teach us lessons but night isn’t what we were created for. Let’s decide that our true place is in the light, that we all deserve the love, joy and warmth that morning brings. If we all start taking our blindfolds off, we will see that just like the boy found his father sitting on the stump next to him, we will find others sitting beside us as well. We will be surrounded by the people we found in the dark, and those who found us. The people we learned from, those who taught us lessons, the indivduals who we loved and who loved us... even while we couldn’t see.

While we each entered  darkness at different times, in different ways, on our own, if we are all willing to take off the blindfolds we will find that we have the opportunity to enter the morning light together.