Nice people

This morning I was thinking about how complicated a lot of my relationships are with several people right now. Apart from God I value personal relationships with people above all else. With the importance I place on relationships my thoughts are constantly thinking about all the repair that's needed in particular ones, depending on the season of my life. I usually have a list of people I know I need to invest more time and love into if we are going to have a strong relationship. It's common for me to continually have things I'm working on in my own heart, mind and spirit because I recognize that sometimes to repair problems, or difficulties I'm facing with another person the solution is the need to humble myself. Having said that, I am also very aware that I often want to fix things that I didn't cause to break. I often want to take the blame for the hurt or friction I'm experiencing with another person, even if it was their doing. That of course is a problem.

Over the summer I was sitting at my friend's house. They are wonderful, loving people who I am so thankful to have been given. I was explaining my frustration with not being able to repair broken relationships. My friend very lovingly told me that in me he sees the 7 year old me constantly shining through. The little girl who cannot believe that people don't always have the best of intentions, that at times people honestly don't care if they hurt others, that people will purposefully use me, then toss me aside when I have fulfilled whatever they had decided I was good for at a particular place in their life. He was right. While I'm not naive and I know in my head people do all those things, in my heart and my spirit the 7 year old me struggles to accept it as truth. With this inability to force myself to see that others don't always have sincere intentions I allow many people into my life who don't deserve my time or attention. People who regardless of how I feel or how much I adore them being around are simply examples of people who are better for me to love at a distance.

With all this thinking I started wondering how this keeps happening. I mean, I am sometimes surprised by the true colors I find in people, however for the most part I'm pretty careful to only let "nice people" into my life. That's when I realized something, nice and kind are two different things, thus, nice and kind people may be two different kinds of people.

To me nice people are people who's actions are pleasing, agreeable, maybe even respectable, however, a kind person is kind because of the condition of their heart. Kind people's love, compassion and tenderness comes from somewhere deep within their spirits, from their core. Nice people have it right on the surface, and it's possible they desire to have it go deeper, they may even be actively working for that, but for kind people good deeds, thoughtful words, selfless actions are an overflow of some driving force deep within them.

Now don't get me wrong kind people aren't perfect, they are still people.  Kind is the normal condition of their heart and spirit but that doesn't mean that they don't have hard times, get into bad moods, and that they don't sometimes trade in their good deeds for mean or hurtful actions. They do. It happens. However, I would argue that people who dedicate their life to being kind are sorely disappointed when their flaws over-shadow their intentions. Kind people break their own hearts when they hurt others with their words, actions or selfishness. Kind people recognize that when good is not seen outwardly, it's because something inwardly is off. Unlike a nice person, a kind person is never content with action alone they are striving for a life journey that will result in a mind, heart and spirit transformation.

So after thinking about all this, this morning I've determined that maybe I put too much energy into nice people, maybe I allow myself to be wounded too easily, or , maybe I just have unrealistic expectations. I'm really not sure. All I know is I try to believe that others care for me goes deeper than I see, that if they are nice and do nice things for me, then it's an overflow of a kind heart. I like to believe that people mean well and deserve multiple chances. However, I am recognizing that I lie to myself  that I try to convince my heart that if people are nice, they must also be kind, that they always have noble intentions, they always mean well. I now realize that's just not always the case.

A Red Shirt And A Black Sharpie Marker

For weeks advertisements filled with sales on candies and cards have been shoved through the mail slot to my apartment.  At the gym I've watched countless flower and jewelry commercials play. Even Facebook is swarming with posts about how in love people are, or about how disappointing it is to be single this time of year. There is no way to escape that tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. I was pretty certain I would end up writing something about Valentine’s Day, since it is impossible to go anywhere right now without being hit in the face with the unavoidable fact that it is right around the corner but I wasn't sure what I would write about. 

When I was in elementary school I loved Valentine’s Day.  I loved going and buying cards for every person in my class. I would sit for hours at the wooden dining room table in our house with a class list beside me and thoughtfully determine which card each person I knew would get.  My mom and I would make some sort of dessert for my class party, and the morning of Valentine’s Day I  would get a ride to school as my mom helped ensure that everything I had worked so hard at making for my classmates arrived to school intact.

After elementary school I went from giving cards to everyone in my class to lovingly choosing Valentine’s Day gifts for my best friends.  Not being one who finds romance, my Valentine’s Days for the past 15 years have involved only two things:

1. Receiving a bouquet of flowers from my dad

2. Buying or making, then exchanging gifts with my closest friends. 

While I struggled with not having a significant other to share this day with for many years, I’m now at year 25 with no Valentine, so there isn't any sadness or bitterness left. I've come to accept that I’m single, for this stage of my life.  While I of course have times where I’m dissatisfied with the idea of being perpetually single I know that the truth is right now I’m supposed to be, or I wouldn't be. So rather than crying, or being pissed, or being bitter about the fact that I have no plus one in my life yet, I try my best to embrace it.  I try to focus on constantly improving myself, so that when a guy does come into my life, at the right place and in the right time, I am the best version of myself I can be.

With that goal in mind, I have pushed aside any sadness that attempted to come at me, in regards to the holiday tomorrow and I instead asked myself “if I’m focusing on being the best me what that does that mean for Valentine’s Day this year?” I’d be lying if I said tomorrow I want to celebrate being single, because geeze that’s not true, but I realized I need to intentionally delight in the love that I do have, that I have been given, that I have found.

There is a great love from God I have found. I believe and have faith in this God that loves me regardless of what I've done or where I've been.  He loves me unconditionally and asks only that I love Him, and others in return.

There is a great love from my family that I have known my entire life.  I have a family filled with people who would do anything for me, who I can call on night and day.  They have taught me the beauty and importance of selfless, grace-filled love.

There is a great love I have for my friends. Some of whom I've known for so long I couldn't imagine life without them.  Some friends who I've just met in recent years, even just in the past few months, yet, regardless of the length of time I've known these people, I have managed to find some of the most accepting and kindhearted people imaginable.

There is a great love I have for some guy out there. I’m not sure when he’ll enter my life, I don’t know who he is, but I know the kind of man he is, so he’s already inspiring me to be the most beautiful version of myself I can be.

So much love! All around me! In so many forms!

So, all day I was thinking about Valentine’s Day, and all the love I have in my life. I was trying to decide whether or not to write about any of this.  However, when I got home, I logged onto Facebook and as I scrolled through my news feed I immediately knew what I wanted to write about.

Tonight my friend posted a picture of a shirt her son Emmett made.  Emmett is a sweet little boy with such a big heart. The picture posted was of a red shirt with the names of Emmett’s “Love Friends”.  My friend explained that the names were of each of his kindergarten classmates and his teachers. The names fill the shirt in his perfectly, beautiful six year old writing.  As I looked at the picture the shirt touched my heart in such a way it almost brought me to tears…

I immediately thought about the hurt, loneliness and bitterness so many people will feel tomorrow and I pondered “What if we all did what Emmett did? What if tonight each of us went out and bought a Valentine’s Day shirt?  What if we took black sharpie markers to the shirts, and began writing the names of everyone we have ever loved, and anyone who loves us?”  I guarantee that if we are honest our shirts would begin to fill up quickly.  They may not fill up with names of people, who are in love with us, or those who we’d like to go on a dates with us this weekend, but they would be filled up with names of people who would do most anything for us. Family members, friends, acquaintances, past loves, maybe even some pets : ) Then say we each took the shirt we made, put it on and wore it around tomorrow.  Sure there might still be a little disappointment that there isn't a guy around to make a steak for tomorrow, and some melancholy when no roses show up with your name attached, in the morning, but how sad could a person really get if every time they looked down for 16 hours all that they saw was a shirt filled with the names of people who love and are loved. I imagine being surrounded with that much visible love all day it would be pretty challenging to stay down for long, it might even prove to be impossible.

Now, I doubt any of us are going to run to Wal-Mart with this idea I've presented tonight, to go out and buy the materials needed to make a shirt filled with our “Love Friends” but here is my encouragement for everyone.  Tomorrow, when you feel tempted to be sad, or lonely, angry or bitter because you don’t have a Valentine, take a moment to close your eyes and imagine that you are wearing a red shirt, with the sharpie’d on names of the  people who love you and who you love.  Take a moment to be thankful for the love that you do have, and have faith that you will find the love you desire.  Take a moment to count your blessings for all the “Love Friends” that fill your life right now, and know that this coming year, if you keep your heart open you’ll be adding more loved ones to your list, and you never know! this may be the year that you add a “Love Friend” that will one day also be your Valentine.  

Plain Noodles

I knew when starting this blog there would come a day when I'd feel compelled to write about my struggle with depression. It isn't really anything I've looked forward to writing about because it's not something I love talking about. My struggle with depression isn't something I enjoy sharing with people but I recognize that if I want to be authentic and real it's a subject I should be opening up about.

Last night I was at the laundry mat watching four dryers filled with my clothes spin round and round. As I watched my clothes dry not a single thought ran through my mind. That's the moment I realized something was off. Normally my brain is in over-drive, thoughts fill it at a speed so fast I'm unable to keep up with myself. I can't help myself from over-thinking everything all the time. And this is the me I've come to accept. The me who is completely in my head, perfectly content with observing the world around me and thinking about everything that flows into my thoughts. Last night however there were no thoughts other than the fact that my mind was completely empty. In that moment I internally screamed "noooo!"

Depression is this thing I always know is there just waiting to show itself again, but I always deep down wish that I've escaped it, that I've battled it to it's death. However, that's never the case, it eventually returns. So when it does I immediately begin an inward rage. I get so frustrated, so discouraged with the idea that I might have to struggle with this, and deal with this my entire life. As my clothes finished drying I realized I needed to get home. Immediately.  

The perfectionist in me tried to convince myself to not just throw the clothes in the baskets "it's going to be so much work Ash" I told myself "when you get out of this funk you'll have to steam every piece of clothing in those four dryers", but I threw all the clothes quickly in baskets anyways, loaded my car and drove home.

My thoughts were filled of all the other times I'd sunk into depression. All the pushing away from people I've done, all the moments I'd said too much or not enough, the having to explain my depression to people and their responses to what I tell them.

" Wow, but you're so pretty and nice" ... As if only mean, ugly people get sick. That's not how this world works.
" Just pray about it" .... As if I hadn't thought of that idea. No one will ever know the amount of times I've begged God to take this from me.
" Oh... Well... Just be happy" As if I could just shake depression out of me. The people who say that to me, don't ever even get a response.

The moment I walked through the door I headed straight to my bed and collapsed.  I then slept for 14 hours until my alarm rang this morning.
                 
Last night while I was sleeping I missed numerous text messages, more than one call, and a birthday party. I feel shitty, but honestly that's just what happens.  This morning I forced myself to get up, get dressed, do my hair, and makeup. There was a time when I suffered from depression that I would never have made myself to any of those things, but now that I've realized it's going to be a constant struggle in my life I have to at least force myself to do some things.

I had three short text conversations with three friends this morning, all who know about my depression. Honestly, I didn't want to talk to anyone but I forced myself to respond. Each made attempts to show that they love me and that I'm cared for, and of course I appreciate it, but right now  kind words won't sink in, love from others only goes so far, I've been in this place enough times to be aware of that.                                      

I started forcing myself to think. " When did this start again?" I asked myself.  I realize that it's been weeks. I found myself extremely frustrated with the fact that I went 10, or 12 days without me having realized that I'm deep into depression. I've been battling this for six years now, you'd think I would've known that I was here, but I didn't. I started racking my brain for crazy things I may have done or said without realizing it. It's likely I haven't been checked in and present. I have likely frustrated people and have probably been pushing people away because that's what I do, both consciously and sub-consciously. I don't want to deal with this and I certainty I don't want others to have to deal with it as well.

Today I made Parker lunch, and I sat as he ate a pile of plain noodles.  As I watched this sweet boy eat I realized that plain pasta is like depression... Follow me here for minute.

I love food, I love spices, and flavors, condiments and seasoning. I love Mexican, Indian, sushi, the list goes on and on. When people ask, me what I don't like, what I won't eat, the response is olives. That's it. Great food is like living. It's exciting. The foods I love the most feed and nourish my body, but they do something else  they bring me on adventures, they make living all that more exciting. Food like plain noodles however, is something else. It's dull, and tasteless. It's just boring. That's how days in depression feel. Sure, you're living, but everything is bland.  When you're like me, a person who loves life, and adventure, bland is frustrating.  I've seen so many things, I've had amazing moments in my life, I've experienced so much joy and love. So when I'm thrown into depression, it's like being ripped away from a buffet of all my favorite foods and being forced plain noodles.

So here I sit today with depression sitting in front of me like a bowl of plain noodles.  If I only knew the taste of noodles it wouldn't be a problem, but I've tasted great things from so many places, which makes anything bland not only disappointing, but heart-breaking. I am aware that eventually my depression will subside and the flavors of my life will return, they always do, but it doesn't make what I have to eat right now any better.

Blindfolded

The rite-of-passage into adulthood for a Cherokee Indian boy is for his father to take him into the the woods and blindfold him. The boy is then left alone. He is required to sit in the spot he is left. He must not remove the blindfold until the sun shines through it. If he  makes it through the night he is a man.

Obviously, the boy is terrified. Being in the dark, blindfolded, his mind plays tricks on him. He can see nothing, but hears everything. He is surrounded in darkness and is completely helpless. 

Finally, after a fearful night, the sun rises and he can remove his blindfold. It is then he discovers his father sitting beside him. Without it knowing, his father has been there the entire night, watching over him, ensuring he makes it through the terrifying night safely. 

There came a day in each of our lives, when we felt as though we were thrown from the beautiful, bright innocent life of childhood, into the a world that is scary, dark and filled with the unknown. That day happened for every person in different timing and in different ways.  Some children were thrown into the dark after having their innocence stolen from them. Some young adults slipped and fell into the world of uncertainty. The light that once helped guide them safely along paths seemed to slowly go out and before they knew it their world was filled with darkness.  And for some people life just began to pile on hurt and uncertainty at a slow yet steady rate, until, one day those people were completely unable to see anything at all.

Regardless of how you found yourself in the dark I am sure you can relate to the boy sitting on the stump, blindfolded, unable to see the world around him.  When senses we so rely on are taken from us, our heart and spirit are instantly filled with fear.  While you can guess what is happening or what is to come from using the senses you have left, you recognize that you can’t fully know what is truly going on around you. As you entered your adulthood you realized a sense had been stolen from you, and uncertainty started filling every part of your being.  Your childhood was gone and you found yourself blindfolded, and scared with no idea what is coming next.

So here you sit in the dark of the night with the blindfold tied around your eyes. Terrified and full of uncertainty, but just as it is true that all of us have to take our turn sitting in the dark, it is also true that dawn always comes, if we can only make it through the fear and the unknown of the darkness.

The thing I've noticed, however, even in my own life is that when the sun comes up we often refuse to take the blindfold off, because we have come to accept and even find some sick sort of delight in the fear and pain we've expereienced.  It sometimes seems more terrifying to take the fabric from our eyes, than it is for us to stay blinded by it, because we’ve learned to understand the dark, and we’ve decided to settle for the lack of peace.

Let’s not live like this anymore!  When the sunrises let’s find the strength and bravery to rip the blindfolds off our eyes.  Let’s determine that the nights purpose was to teach us lessons but night isn’t what we were created for. Let’s decide that our true place is in the light, that we all deserve the love, joy and warmth that morning brings. If we all start taking our blindfolds off, we will see that just like the boy found his father sitting on the stump next to him, we will find others sitting beside us as well. We will be surrounded by the people we found in the dark, and those who found us. The people we learned from, those who taught us lessons, the indivduals who we loved and who loved us... even while we couldn’t see.

While we each entered  darkness at different times, in different ways, on our own, if we are all willing to take off the blindfolds we will find that we have the opportunity to enter the morning light together.

The Chase

“Never chase love, affection or attention. If it isn't given freely by another person it isn't worth having.”

Those words cut so deep into my heart, and spirit that I actually feel physical pain when I read them.  They make me hurt so much because I, like most people have attempted to chase love, affection and attention throughout my life.  If I am very real about this subject I even have to admit that something deep inside me always desires to go after those things on a regular basis. Today, I’ve been asking myself why this is. 

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

I wrote that opening paragraph, because the subject is overflowing from my heart today, but I needed some time to actively think about why I chase love, affection, and attention, even though I know that “If it isn't given freely by another person it isn't worth having”.  I really dug deep and I’ve decided it’s because I want to be wanted. 

Now, I’ve come a long way in the past few years, and I no longer see things as black and white, I know that most things are shades of grey, (not the sexy kind, the complex kind).  But here is something I do think is black and white, you either feel wanted, or you feel rejected.  Now this idea can apply to many areas in life: career, friendships, romantic relationships etc. Either a person feels wanted i.e. important, significant, valued… or they feel left out, alone, rejected.

I’ve found that because rejection is the feeling of being unwanted, it is perhaps the most painful thing I have to deal with and what’s worse is that rejection only builds up throughout my life, I can’t seem to get through a single day without feeling rejected or being reminded of someone who rejected me or a time of rejection I’ve experienced.

Rejection builds up, and fast.  It’s piled onto me every day from many areas of my life.  It begins to weigh me down and I often feel like I’m drowning in a sea of “you’re not good enough Ashley Reed”.

With this drowning feeling two things happen.

1. I feel inadequate in most every way.

2. I begin to get desperate.

 

These feelings of being inadequate and desperate mixed together prove to produce a cocktail unlike any other. With one drink I begin chasing love, affection and attention. With this dangerous cocktail in hand, I seek love from people who don’t know how to love me, or just don’t want to. I seek affection from whoever I think will give it to me, whether or not I would normally want any affection from them, and I petition for attention from everyone, even those who don’t deserve my time. 

The most frustrating part of all of this is that I know the truth. I know that chasing love, affection and attention is a waste of my time.  None of these things should be sought, they should just be found.  If authentic none of these things can be forced, only freely given.  I also know that if I end up in relationships with people who I had to chase down and persuade and convince to love me I will never find true peace or happiness, because I would know, deep down in my heart and in my spirit that what we have is fake, forced and bound to fail.  I would have no peace of mind, heart or spirit, ever.  I would always be wondering deep down if the people in my life really love me.  I would question if anything about my life was real, or if I was simply imitating a life, rather than living one. And you know what? I NEED more than that, I WANT more than that. 

Ok, so what do I do today, right now?

Today, I honestly don’t know, because today is a day where I’ve been reminded of a lot of painful rejection. I guess all I can do, is stay focused on what I really want and who I really am. I have to force myself to remember that I won’t be accepted by everyone, but that doesn’t make me any less valuable and I have to remember that chasing won’t get me anything but worn out.

 

Free.

Work. Try. Persuade through words. Fail. Fall short. Cry. Breathe. Cry. Work, work harder. Try, try harder. Convince through actions. Fail. Fall short, again. Breathe, Cry. Breathe. Love isn’t earned, it must be freely give. Breathe.Release them. No more working.No more trying. No more persuading. No more convincing.Breathe.Free yourself.