Seasons

The other day I overheard two women talking and one simply whispered "Everything has its season." As I passed by I stored those words in my mind and later that day I began to unpack the impact that simple thought truly had on me. 

So often I find myself waiting and preparing for what’s next, the next chapter of my life.  A new city, the hope of a relationship, furthering my education, a vacation, etc. etc. I constantly find myself anxious to finish the moment I find myself in, because what I plan will come next seems more exciting, fulfilling, seems more appealing.  I suppose it’s the “the grass is always greener on the other side” effect that I seem to believe to be gospel.

I often dream of the day I have a career, because no matter how much I love being a nanny, I don’t want to do it forever.

I frequently wonder when I’ll find a steady relationship, because while I’m content with being single in the moment I know I don't want to be single my entire life.

I continually imagine a moment, a time to come, when I know longer feel a war within me between being a scared little girl and a confident woman.

However, with the simple words spoken by a woman I didn’t know my entire view of life shifted.  While I’ve heard the phrase “Everything has its season” many times before, I finally heard the words not only with my ears but also with my heart.

How powerful it is to know, and then remember that every part of our life has a specific purpose, and comes in timing that far exceeds our own understanding; a purpose not to be rushed through or frustrated with, but to be appreciated and embraced.

There is a reason that I am in a season in which I’m working but I’m not in my dream career.  It gives me something to work towards.

There is a reason that I am in a season in which I am single. It is allowing me to truly seek and know myself, before I add some hottie to the mix.

There is a reason I am in a season in which I struggle between feeling like a scared little girl and a confident woman.  It requires that I work on myself to become the kind of person I long to be.

"Everything has its season." I believe this to be true. And now that I’ve opened not only my ears but also my heart to these words I truly believe that my present life has blossomed into something incredibly beautiful. I will no longer be anxious to finish the moment I find myself in. From now on I hope to know and remember that each step, each moment, each season has a specific purpose, and that the next season will come in it's own perfect timing, so there’s no reason to rush through what I have, where I am, who I am; in this moment.

Minefields

Experience has taught me that when a person exits my life they will reemerge eventually. In fact I am now a pretty firm believer in the idea that "they always come back". While this concept would have at one time been a great comfort for me, something to look forward to, a thread of hope to hang tight to, I now hate this simple belief.

I hate this idea I've found to be truth, because people tend to come back the moment I am completely content with the decision they had made to no longer be part my life , the moment my heart has healed from the hurt they caused, the moment I know I can live without them. 

I now feel so conflicted while I grieve for relationships I feel I've lost, because part of me wants nothing more than to heal and move on, while another part of me hesitates to fully recover from a heartbreak because I believe the moment I'm finally at peace with what's happened, or not happened, the person, relationship, heartache I've been actively recovering from will reappear, and tear open the wound I've been working  so diligently at stitching together. 

So often I find myself holding my breath as I make my way through the stages of grief, because I feel that if I fully exhale the hurt, pain, and disappointment I will likely take no more than two breaths before the air is knocked out of me again, with the blow of the person in question making their grand reappearance. 

The heartache in the days or months following a relationship not progressing, or working out the way I so hoped it would results in a walk through a minefield of emotions. As I've gotten older I've learned how to maneuver through these fields strategically. I've learned how, where and when to step as to avoid being torn apart from the explosions that come if I linger too long on the hopes, feelings, words, passion I'd felt. I've successfully made it through emotional minefields time after time. I've found that each time I make my way though a battlefield it's easier. I think this ease comes partially from the confidence I have in my ability to make it through a great heartache, and partially because the need to make it through a hypothetical field of emotional booby traps in one piece is an absolute necessity. 

However, the problem I now face is no longer the question of whether or not I will make it through the emotional minefields we all must walk through after heartache, whether or not Ill be able to avoid being torn apart by the emotional bombs I encounter, because I know I'll make it. The problem I now face is found in that idea of "they always come back". 

It seems to me that time and time again I've made it through minefields only to be hit and shattered by the reappearance of a person who walked away, who hurt me deeply. In my experiences these reappearances make me feel as though I've escaped a minefield only to be hit by a car.