Get over it

One of the struggles I have is my inability to let things go.  I know from life experience that some things aren't ever going to be "ok", that some situations won't ever be resolved, that not every relationship can be salvaged.  However, I can never seem to just accept that and move on. 

I am constantly beating myself up over anything I deem a failure.  I let myself believe that every imperfect thing is my fault, that I could have done better or worked harder.  That I am too much for people, too critical, my expectations are too high, that I am the common factor in all my problems so I must be the problem.

I want to keep talking, I want to keep trying, I want to keep fixing.  I find that I take so many things far too personally, I find that I allow conflict or anything that is unresolved to chip away at my spirit, to create overwhelming anxiety, to drive me crazy.

Of course over the years I have learned from experience that not everything can or will be resolved.  So when I try everything I can, and still fall short of my goal I decide that I just need to "get over it".

I've gone to see therapists after these "failed" experiences, situations and relationships. Typically I walk in their door once I'm at the "Ash, you need to get over it phase".  After a couple sessions of pouring out my heart, and soul to a therapist I find that they're response is two fold:

1. They tell me I'm too hard on myself, as one therapist told me "Ashley, you are so full of grace for others, but have so little grace for yourself"

2. They tell me that you can't just expect to get over things.

Now I've been learning over the past couple years to actively have more grace with myself.  I still struggle with it, I still have a lot of anxiety in my imperfection, but I've made great personal strides in this area. 

The part that I struggle more with is why can't I just get over things? 

Other people seem to just stop giving a shit, so why can't I? 

Other people can just not care about a failed experience, situation, relationship, so why can't I?

Other people can just walk away, and not look back, so why can't I?

WHY CAN'T I JUST GET OVER IT!!? I yell this question to myself all the time.  But finally yesterday I was listening to Jillian Michael's podcast and she explained it perfectly:

"You don't get around things in life, you don't get over things... you work through them.... what are the lessons? what are you meant to learn? how are you going to grow?"

I thought that this statement was one of the wisest things I've heard in a really long time.  It was an idea or a concept I was already familiar with, but there was just something about the timing, and the wording that truly touched my heart. 

The truth is that people don't and can't truly just decide to stop giving a shit, they can't decide to stop caring, or they can't decide to just walk away from the experiences, situations, relationships that are important to them.  What these people are really  attempting to do is get around or over things... they aren't working through the situations, they are trying to ignore the hurt or loss, and honestly these people might get away with not giving a shit, with not caring, with not looking back FOR A WHILE, but eventually everything they are trying to avoid, everything they are trying to ignore, everything that they are trying to suppress is going to show it's self, it's going to catch up to them, it's going to flow out of their heart and spirit.  The hurt, the anger, the loss is going to pour out eventually, and will likely be uncontainable.  More than likely it's going to be a dam that breaks.  The feelings are going to flood their life when the timing is bad, the hurt, the anger are likely going to be projected onto the wrong people, the loss is going be delayed but no less painful.

So here is my new point of view. 

I can't just "get over" things because nobody is supposed to just "get over" anything, instead I have to work through things. It may be a slow, difficult journey but working through difficult experiences, challenging situations, broken relationships is the only real way to learn, grow, change and mature.  It's the only way to gather the lessons I need. It's the only way for me to be the strongest, most prepared, most bad ass version of myself. Working through things is the only way to be ready what for ever life is going to throw at me next. 

No Equation

I use to believe the problem with a broken heart was that I had a broken heart. I hated the tight feeling in my chest when I thought about the person who had caused me so much pain.  I hated the feeling of warm tears running down my face.  I hated waking up in the middle of the night overwhelmed by all my subconscious thoughts and feelings.  I hated feeling broken.

I am now a woman who has had my fill of broken hearts, and while I don't like the tight feeling in my chest, or the warm tears streaming down my face, the restless nights or the deep brokenness I feel when I find myself alone and silent, I no longer believe the problem with a broken heart is that I have a broken heart, I've decided that the true problem with a broken heart is that I don't know how long my heart is going to be broken.

At 26 years old I no longer wonder if my heart will heal. I know it will.  I no longer believe that I won't possibly move on, I know I will.  I know that my heart will heal, I will heal, that I'll meet someone new, that I'll move on.  I know that I'll love other people.  I know that I'll slowly forget how awful the end of this chapter feels. I know, I know, I know! I know so many things.  What I don't know is when the heartache will come to an end.

I wonder how long I'll continue to check my phone with that little sliver of hope that he's come around.

I wonder how long it will be until he's not the one I find myself crying in a bathroom bar about after I've had a couple of shots.

I wonder how long it will be before I will no longer be tempted to on the worst days, dull the pain with chocolate, hard liquor, male attention and sleeping until noon.

I'm thankful that with age I've learned that eventually my heart will be renewed, however, no amount of age or experience will ever provide me with an equation by which I can find the ultimate answer I'm always in search of... I will never have a way of knowing how many days it will take my heart to finally catch up with my brain. How many days until I'm finally over "that one guy"

Irrational

I've found that people love to label others as "irrational". I have been called this by many people in my past. 

Once I was called irrational by a former best friend of mine. We had been best friends for years and one day for reasons still unbeknownst to me our friendship ended. I went from talking to this person every single day to being cut out of his life in every way. My heart broke and I mourned the greatest loss I had ever felt. 

Not knowing why he had decided to end our friendship I tried for months to find the answers. I sent him emails to which he never responded. I called a few times, and the phone was never answered. Heartbroken and devastated I made one last appeal by showing up to his apartment with plate of cookies asking to come in a talk. He refused to let me in and told me I was irrational. I left that night and haven't spoken to him in 4 years.

Recently I was talking to a guy who I cared for a great deal. He's come in and out of my life for the past 15 years and for a few years now I've hoped to build some sort of authentic relationship with him.  There have been a few times through lives when our paths have crossed during which he has allowed me to see very small pieces of himself, of his  heart and as a result I lowered my own guard. I found myself vulnerable to him. 

We talked for months and then life finally gave us an opportunity to spend time together. It was great, but he didn't stick around long. There were other factors that made our situation difficult and that I understand.  I asked to still be in his life, I asked to be his friend and to that he never responded. 

After months I talked to him again. He claimed he isn't in my life because I'm irrational. There it is again. Being accused of being irrational because I long to effectively communicate with someone, because I hope for reasons as to why someone has shut me out, labeled irrational because I was brave and decided to be vulnerable, Because I decided to risk heartache. 

........

Irrational is egging a persons car because they don't like you.

Irrational is showing up everywhere the other person goes.

Irrational is calling/texting/facebooking a person over and over. 

I've never done any of those things. 

........

Asking to call the person to clear the air isn't irrational. 

Asking to meet for coffee to talk isn't irrational.

Asking to repair a broken relationship isn't irrational. 

I have done all of those things. 

I write this blog because have found that so many people I know are accused of being irrational for the same reasons I have been. People with gentle spirits and open hearts, people with a desire for clear communication, and hope to repair relationships. People willing to be humble and show their weaknesses. These are the people considered irrational. Being kind, focused on relationships, loving and hopeful isn't irrational it's courageous and shows true strength.

I wish the world would recognize this.