Because I don’t have someone to do this with.

Tonight I am alone, in my pajamas with my glasses on and my hair pulled up into a ponytail. I decided that all I wanted to do tonight was nothing. Now, normally my introverted-self celebrates nights like these. However, tonight I was in bed, watching episodes of Portlandia, eating way too much popcorn and drinking a glass of wine when I became melancholy because I don’t have someone to do this with.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have so many people who love me and care about me and I know how blessed I am. I have a really wonderful family, I have amazing friends and I have a strong network of people here in L.A. who care about me and are always seeking to spend their time with me. With all of these people I’ve been given to love and who love me back, I know that I am never alone, however, that doesn’t make the fact that I haven’t found a guy any less frustrating or disappointing.

I use to be really sad, and totally pissed that I haven’t found anyone yet. At 17, I was the girl with no Senior prom date, at 21 I was the girl who had never been kissed, and there were a few times when I was the only one of the four siblings with no boyfriend or girlfriend at Thanksgiving dinners. I remember multiple nights where I’d just cry myself to sleep, or I’d yell at God demanding reasons for why everyone else seems to get someone, and He just won’t let it happen for me. The end of my teenage years, and the very beginning of my 20’s were rough.

By now of course there have been guys in my life, I had a first kiss, I had a boyfriend one time… for a minute, I’ve fallen hard for a few guys, but none of the relationships have ever got serious, none of them ever went anywhere. Eventually, I came to a point about 3 years ago where I just decided that I can’t keep living that frustrated or disappointed, it was eating away at my spirit, at my heart, at my joy, so I released what I could and just carry with me what I can’t.

For the most part the last few years have been, not so bad for me when it comes to the discontent I have with not being in a serious relationship. I learned to embrace the opportunity to be single, so I go out drinking and dancing, I spend tons of time with friends, and I just try to enjoy what I do have. When I first moved to L.A. I even decided that if I would take the opportunity to casually date as much as possible. I went on 8 first dates in 8 weeks. It was fun, it was interesting, and it wasn’t for me.

I like stability, I like commitment, and while I realize that people meet other people online all the time, most of the kinds of guys I found were looking for fun, like I was looking for that over the summer, but really I’m looking for forever.

So, now it’s been months since I went on a date. I spent 4 months cleaning up my life, focusing on me and not on guys. I took a break from dating all together. I deleted my online account, I respectfully declined date offers I received, I kicked out anyone who I found to be toxic in my life. I got myself in a good place; I started getting mentally, emotionally and physically healthier. I went on trips to visit people I love. I actively and intentionally worked on every aspect of my life that wasn’t dating and I was good with that, it’s just what I needed.

All of that however, doesn't stop moments like the one I had tonight, when I became melancholy because I don’t have someone to watch netflix's with, or play scrabble against, or to make dinner for.

I allow myself to start thinking that it’s because I’m nobody anyone wants, that I’m not enough. I could get really sad if I would let myself. I find myself back wanting to be pissed off, and sad again, like I use to be. I want to yell at God, beg him to let me know why he does this to me, why He refuses to give me someone.

But then I remember that it’s not about me not being good enough, it’s about me refusing to settle. It’s about me being determined to find a man who I’m crazy about and who is equally crazy about me.

I’m single because I don’t need a man, so I’m willing to wait for the one I want.

I know that a lot of you struggle with this same journey of being single….and to you I say, you aren’t alone. There are a lot of people who feel the way you do.

 They don’t feel like they are enough for someone, or that they will ever be loved so:

They build walls that are impossible to tear down, or they bury themselves in work and in projects or they just give up and hide away, pretending like they never wanted to find someone.

Or maybe they go the other way

They stay in a pseudo relationship, or they take whatever they can find, or they just jump into bed with anyone who gives them attention… just to jump right back out.

But, wow! We have got to remember that this isn't true.  That being single doesn't mean that you aren't enough for someone else, or that you can't be loved, it just means that you haven't been given the gift of forever love yet.

Now, if you are struggling with this journey here’s what I tell myself, so I’m going to tell you too:

If you want to be sad for a minute that’s ok, but know that someone (you don’t know who yet) is disappointed that they don’t have you yet either.

If you want to cry for a minute that’s ok, but know that someone (you don’t know who yet) is waiting for you and missing you too.

Mostly, let’s remember that the truth is: it’s better to wait than to settle. Let’s never let ourselves settle because we have nights where we are flooded with insecurity. Let’s never let ourselves get down on ourselves because our gift of love is simply taking a little bit longer to be crafted. Let’s keep on with becoming who we want to become, let's keep on building and enjoying the life and the things we have been given already. Above all, let’s keep our hearts filled with hope that we will soon find that person that was worth waiting for.

Strengths and Weaknesses

It’s an overcast day in L.A., I love this weather.  It makes me want to slow down and think a lot.  I’m especially in my head today, and I began thinking about strengths and weaknesses.

I’m a believer in the idea that our greatest strengths are also our greatest weaknesses.  I see this concept play out in my life every single day, and to be honest I often find it to be really frustrating.

See, strengths are something that build you up, motivate you and allow you to take yourself to the next level.  On the other hand, weaknesses can scare you, they can cover you in insecurity, and they can hold you back from all the things you could do or be.  So when the same things that make you strong, motivate you and keep you in control of your life also hold you back and seemingly weaken you, life gets messy.

While I was driving around, thinking to myself in this awesomely gloomy weather, I made a list of some of my greatest strengths.  Here’s what I came up with:

1.      I love with all that I have

2.      I place a high importance on kindness and respect

3.      I am a communicator

4.      I am not afraid of expressing my feelings

5.      I am passionate

Ok, so that’s a pretty solid list of strengths right? It’s taken me a long time to get to the place where those are my strengths.  They are the things that I really want to be known for, they are the way I hope others see me and would describe me.

However, then I made myself think about some of my greatest weakness. Here’s what that list looked like:

1.      I let my heart get way ahead of myself

2.      I have an overly sensitive heart

3.      I often don’t think, I just say.

4.      I often say WAY more than was ever needed or wanted

5.      I get it in my heart how something will go, and I try to force it to go that way.(In short, I’m stubborn)

Eh, I thought.  I don’t like that those are things that make up a pretty decent chunk of the person I am.  I am not thrilled with that list....I am so thankful that that isn’t the only list.  

When I match up my two lists, I confirm to myself that yep, my greatest strengths look a lot like my greatest weaknesses.  As, I read the two lists side by side here is what I’m trying to teach and remind myself:

It’s great to love with all I have, but I’ve been given a heart AND a brain, I am supposed to use both.

Kindness and respect are really important but my definition of kindness and respect don’t necessarily match everyone else’s, so I can’t allow my heart to get bruised everytime someone doesn’t cater to the fact that I’m ultra-sensitive

Communication is really important, and no relationship can be healthy without strong, effective communication but communicating isn’t about just saying everything that I want to say, it’s more about using my words wisely, and in the correct timing, it’s listening and being open to other people’s viewpoints, and feelings.

I’m not afraid of being open and honest about my feelings and emotions.  It took a long time for me to get there, because of my sensitive heart, when I get hurt, my initial reaction is to pull back, and shut down. I realized that this doesn’t get me anywhere and I became a doormat because of it. However, now I have to learn that saying everything I’m feeling and telling someone every single emotion that is happening inside of me, probably isn’t necessary either. No one needs to be emotionally vomited on, especially by a girl who hasn’t run her feelings and emotions past her brain, for the “OK”.

I would never give up being passionate.  To me passion is proof that you love life, and the things that make your life what it is.  Passion grows you, and challenges you.  Without passion life would be black and white.  I love that I’m passionate, however, just because I’m passionate about how something should go, it doesn’t mean that is in fact how it will go that way, or that it’s even how it should go.  I can be passionate and desire a great many things, but forcing things won’t make them right or real, and I need to learn to remember that.

Now, I am at the end of talking about some my strengths and weaknesses, and I wonder how to close this blog entry.  I guess, the truth is there isn’t really an end because these will continue to be my strengths and weaknesses.  All I can do is go through my day to day life and remember that there are two sides to who I am.  My strengths will continue to build me up, motivate me and allow me to take my life to the next level. My weaknesses will sometimes scare me, at times cover me in insecurity, and if I let them, hold me back from all the things I could do or be.  At times my life will get messy, but I just have to stay focused on what I’ve reminded myself of today, and I have to keep working on making and keeping myself balanced.   

In closing, I just simply leave you all with this: everyone has strengths, everyone has weaknesses, and often times our greatest strengths are also their greatest weaknesses.  I encourage all of us to celebrate our strengths, while we work on keeping our weaknesses in check. I encourage all of us to embrace other people’s strengths and have grace for them when their weaknesses rise up, or show.

Scars

One weekend when I was in first grade I was at a barn auction with my parents (VERY Wyoming I know).  So in the back corner of this huge barn there were several of my classmates playing. We were galloping around pretending to be horses.  All the sudden from the corner of the barn I remember a giant piece of metal fell.  Scared that we would get into trouble for it not being in its place I recall many of us using our 6 year old strength to push it back up, we thought that was best, most sneaky idea most of us had ever had, turns out it was actually a mistake.  A few minutes later it fell again, right on the top of my head. I passed out and faintly remember coming to, standing up, and blood streaming from my head. I remember my dad grabbing me, I remember being in the car, I remember my mom applying pressure to my head, I remember getting to the hospital, I remember being on the ER table.

I got 27 stitches on the top of my head that day, and I still have an amazingly noticeable scar across the top of my scalp if I position my hair the right way.

The next year I was in my bedroom putting my clothes away, as instructed by my mom.  However, being a 7 year old… always in a hurry to go on my next adventure,  I had put clothes in my drawer “the lazy way” and when I went to reopen the drawer it wouldn’t open. I tugged and tugged and with a final tug the mirror sitting on the dresser fell on me.  The corner of the mirror missed my left eye by millimeters.  Once again blood streamed down my face, my mom called my grandma and the two of them rushed me to the hospital.

I believe I got 13 stitches that day.  The scar was very predominate on the side of my eye for my entire childhood, now as an adult it is still noticeable however, it’s fading as I age. 

There are so many times when I look in the mirror and run my hand along those scars thinking how lucky I am that the cut on my head wasn’t deeper or that the mirror didn’t hit my eye, I have never been ashamed of my scars because I am thankful that God blessed me enough to protect me both times and let me escape with only a scars. 

We all have scars, some on our skin, some on our spirits, and some on our hearts.  While the scars like the one on my head or by my eye are seen, the scars on a spirit or on a heart are actually so much more visible.  These scars are shown in the way we live our lives.  If we allow them to scars can change the way we treat people, or the way we allow others to treat us. If we aren’t careful we allow scars to block others from entering our lives, from being our friends, from loving us.  Often times we let scars hold us back, we let scars keep us fearful, and we let scars stop love from blossoming. 

It seems once you enter your adulthood your body faces less of a threat to being wounded but your heart and spirit start taking a beating.  People hurt you, people let you down, and people break your heart.  Your spirit is filled with all the hurtful and unkind things people have said to and about you and your heart begins to overflow with pain from people deciding you aren’t what they want, or that you fall sort, or that they can’t find a reason to keep you around.  As an adult so many of your wounds can’t just be covered up with a band aid or stitched up, because it's not about what your wounds look like it's now how they feel, and with these wounds it’s so easy to become overwhelmed by the pain.

The thing we must remember is that no wound is forever, the scar will come. Scars are pain that has healed.  Sure the scar can be seen but if we allow it to, the pain will melt away.  Scars are only supposed to be reminders of lessons learned they aren’t supposed to keep us from living.

Scars teach us to be more cautious but they teach us that we are strong and brave and that we can make it through whatever life throws at us.  Scars confirm that when we love and let go we might get hurt, but if that happens we will be stronger and wiser for the next go around. 

I have 40 stitches under my belt, a body marked with observable scars and an invisible list with 25 years’ worth of scars made on my heart and spirit, however, this doesn’t stop me from living, really this encourages me to keep going.  If I’ve made it this far it means that pain comes and goes, wounds heal and I’m one tough girl. If I give in now and allow my scars to hold me back from enjoying life or going on adventures or loving then all scars I have accumulated up to now are pointless, but if I keep going, the scars are instead my life’s fuel and I will soon run out of fear for the things that result in scars. 

I have a lot more life to live. I have many more wounds in my future but I have a great certainty that each of those wounds will turn in to scars. At the end of my life all my scars will tell the story of my strength, my bravery and the life that I am so blessed have been given. This life has been, is and will continue to be a life of up’s and down’s, of love and heartache, and most of all of wounds that always turn into scars.

Love and Grace.

This morning I woke up really excited about 2013. What a blessing it is that we are given chances and opportunities to start a new chapter in our lives. I got ready for work, felt amazing as I started my commute, and drank my Starbucks ... However, about half way to my destination I felt anxiety begin to take over.  I became overwhelmed by it in fact, but I wasn't sure why.

So here I've been, with Parker all day, attempting to be happy and externally calm for him, while inside I feel like I'm losing it.  The worst part is that for much of the morning I couldn't figure out what was going on, then suddenly a few minutes ago I realized what happened.

See, on my way to work I was thinking about all the things I'd like to improve in my life. I want to work on being a better version of myself and the new year really made me want to begin that process in even greater force. However, with this desire to improve myself I was swept into thoughts about how I fall short.

I am not always the best friend to people and right now there are some relationships im in where I know I'm not being the best I can be. Reminding myself of that made me feel disappointed.

I am not always the most considerate person, I get so self centered I forget to think about how what I do and say or what I don't do and say might affect other people. Reminding myself of the selfishness that runs so deep within me made me feel sick.

I am not always very nice to myself. I set myself up to fail or be disappointed because I don't always think I deserve to succeed or be happy. Knowing that made me feel sad.

So while the intention had been to make myself excited and motivated about all the positive things I might do and accomplish in my life in 2013,I actually began feeling disappointed, sick and sad.  No wonder anxiety took over.

Now, that led me to why.  Why did I start beating myself up like that? It's because I am very self critical. I've been told by so many mentors, teachers, therapists, friends, family members to be cautious of how self critical I am, and I try but the attempt to reach perfection is always deep with in me, though I know I can't ever get there, and the disappointment in falling down and failing eat me away, though I am aware everyone falls and fails.

The other part of this is the judgment from other people. There was a point when I felt extremely judged in such a way that it got to the core of my heart and spirit and it's had a tight hold on me since. After a few years of working through that I have realized that those who judged me and made me feel badly about myself were in the wrong, but that doesn't make  the fear of being judged like that go away, it just means I know that I must mentally battle it.

Ok, so now that I know why there was a sudden, overwhelming spike in my anxiety today I have to decide how to handle it.                 

I'm going to start by reminding myself that there will always be people watching me, judging me, thinking I should do this or ought not do that. But I'm the one who gets to decide if I listen to them and their opinions.

Next I will give myself extra servings of love and grace today.  I'm not perfect, I do mess up, in relationships, in life, in the way I treat myself, but that's ok. I'm human, so it's bound to happen. 

Finally, I'm going to make sure that the desire for improving myself is enjoyable and I in no way put pressure on myself. I want self improvement to be exciting and rewarding. I want to be proud of  myself not ashamed or disappointed in what I am not yet. 

So I leave you with this today: let the new year be an opportunity for you to grow and mold yourself into a better you, don't however, allow the attempt at improvement or the failures that come to be weapons you, or others use against you. Instead, focus on love, and be filled with grace.