To Be Happy

2012. 

A lot changed in my life in 2012, and because of those changes I changed a lot. Looking back I believe that this will be one of the years I remember the most clearly for the rest of my life.  Today I asked myself “What was the most important thing you learned this year?” The answer to that would absolutely be that: sometimes you have to lose yourself to find yourself.

The last two years were really challenging for me. It seemed that the more I attempted to find myself, the more I lost myself. All the things I had once known about myself no longer seemed to be true and everything I felt, and believed appeared to change. I constantly felt like I was drowning in a sea filled of confusion, and uncertainty. For about a year I tried to hold on tighter to all the things I believed whether or not they felt right anymore.  

As a result, I stayed in a place I wasn’t happy, I dated the kinds of people I thought I should, rather than the people I really wanted to, I stopped standing up for myself.

I began to accept mediocre. I started to settle.  I felt defeated.

However, by the beginning of 2012 I decided that instead of attempting to hold on tighter and tighter to the person I thought I was, the person I once was, I would instead release that girl completely and start over.

Every aspect of my life changed in some way over the last year: religion, politics, dating, location, education direction, personal goals, my worldview, etc. etc. Some of the changes were big, others small. Some were easy and natural, others heartbreaking and challenging. 

There were many times throughout the last year where I believed I would never know who I was.  There were so many days where I was deep in deep dark places, so so many moments when I felt low, and lost. 

However, day by day, month by month, the real me, the true me began to take shape.

I took shape when I decided to go where I wanted, when I wanted. 

I took shape when I began to be with the people who I liked being around.

I took shape when I began to demand I was appreciated and respected by those in my life.

I took shape when I started standing up for myself.

I took shape when I stopped accepting mediocre and started looking for excellence.

I took shape when I stopped settling and demanded my life be extraordinary.

I took shape when I embraced who I was, how I was, where I was going.

I took shape when I fell in love with me, when I decided that when it comes down to it all I really want is to be happy.

2012 was my year of releasing who I thought I was or who others expected me to be. I instead focused on finding the real me and embracing that woman. I love the person I now see in the mirror and the woman I know I am in my heart.  In 12 months I went from being a girl who was lost, scared, and frustrated to being a woman who knows who she is, what she wants, and what she is worth.  I look forward to 2013, because now that I know who I am, and now I can just focus on becoming the best version of me.

Changing the way I think.

I am determined to change my way of thinking.

So often I tell to myself “ASH, YOU CAN’T HAVE THIS” and when I say that to myself, whether it be in the context of relationships, or food, or material… or whatever, I find that I end up wanting it all the more. So, I have decided - instead of saying to myself “I CAN’T HAVE THIS”, I’m going to start reminding myself that really “I DON’T WANT THIS"!

The truth is: 

I could actively work on building and maintaining some sort of relationship with most everyone I know and meet, but the truth is I don't really want a relationship with everyone I know and meet. I don’t really want to be part of relationships that are toxic, just because I feel like I’m supposed to like everyone or because I don’t think I’ll find better.

I could eat anything I want but I don’t really want to eat food that is going to be less than what my body deserves,I don't really want to eat certain foods for instant gratification, I want to eat to nourish my body and occasionally treat myself to something just for fun.

I could figure out a way to have more material possessions but I don't really want many material things I just have a habit of buying things, just to have the, just to buy them, but the honestly, I don't really want things that only give me a temporary high, or temporary happiness.

So from now on it's no longer “I CAN’T HAVE THIS”, it's“I DON’T WANT THIS"! Instead of being upset and frustrated about all the things I can’t have… I’m going to start changing my thinking. I’m going to decide in my mind and in my heart really I could have so many more thing things… But really I don't want them.

A 30 Day Challenge

I am constantly working on loving myself more. I have so much grace with others but often struggle to have that same amount of grace with myself, I am certain many of you can relate. I think mean things about myself, I bully myself, I am so critical of myself. To challenge myself, to stretch myself, to love myself I am going to do this 30 day challenge. Starting in the morning! I hope you consider doing it with me!

1 - Make a note that says....
"I accept myself unconditionally, right now!"
~~Louise Hay

2 - Post that note on your mirror.

3 - 2 times a day look deep into your eyes in the mirror and say, "I accept myself unconditionally, right now!

Let's see what happens.



 

Her "beauty."

“The Victorian woman became her ovaries, as today's woman has become her "beauty." ― Naomi Wolf

When I first read that quote a few months ago, I was like “wow, that’s true, and man, that sucks that that’s true”. Then one morning last week I had the news on. A commercial came on the television for Sketchers. I thought nothing of it. The advertisement was clearly for a young teenage demographic. However, at the end of the commercial the audience of assumed teenage girls are told these shoes will give them 3 inches of height. I was instantly upset.

Girls and women are bombarded with advertisements and products, declaring that we need to make ourselves more beautiful, that unless we are constantly consumed with thoughts of clothes, hair, make up and weight we won't be pretty enough. And now 10, 11, 12 and 13 year olds are also being told that they aren’t the right height!?! UGH.

Billboards show women who are stunning, and desirable.  The pages of magazines are filled with women who have impeccable facial features, expensive clothing, shoes, and handbags, and who are perfectly fit and toned. Movies are filled with women who are small but have miraculous butts and boobs, their make-up is amazing even when they cry and have hair that looks sexy in the rain, or in the shower or in East Coast humidity. These women silently assign all women the goal of perfection. Women spend so much time, energy, and money trying to be flawless, but it won't ever happen.

Real women have stories, and lives. We have hurts, and struggles and frustrations. Real women have diseases that they must learn to live with.  Real women have physical pain that they must learn to cope with. Real women have babies; they carry around ANOTHER human being inside of them for 9 months. Real women get their hearts broken and lose 10 pounds in days because their sadness runs so deep. Real women just look at a beer and chicken wings and seem to gain seem 5 pounds.

Women are not only outwardly beautiful, but our beauty is also found in our spirits and minds. Real women work on improving ourselves.  We work on being more loving and kind. We spend our time and energy fixing our problems and working on relationships. Real women care for children. Real women raise families. Real women volunteer and donate when they can and what they can. 

Now I’m not one to say that all the beauty of women is on the inside, because there is no denying that women are PHYSICALLY gorgeous. Women come in different sizes, and shapes, and heights. Different eye colors, hair colors, skin tones.  We have soft skin and beautiful features and we smell good (most of the time).  What I am getting at however, is that the media, our culture, WE!, put too much emphasis on looks and every once in a while say things “but it’s on the inside that counts” and think that will balance everything out.  Obviously, that’s not working.

Now there isn’t a quick solution to the problem, but what I am suggesting is that maybe, we all work a bit on being more thoughtful when it comes to what A COMPLETE PICTURE of what true beauty is.

To men I say help us out a bit.  We would love for you to spend some time actually getting to know US, the real us. We would love if you would care about us even if it’s not going to be romantic, we would love you to be genuine friends to us because of our inward beauty. Sure we don’t mind if you think we are nice to look at (because we are!), but encourage us, and support us as we work on our inward beauty too.

To women I say (I include myself in this) I think that we could all use a lot more self- love and grace. We are all really quite beautiful, even if we don’t have make up on, or big boobs or small hips. I would love for all of us to learn to be happy with our looks, and our weight …. I would love for us all to learn to embrace our looks in a way that we loved ourselves and saw ourselves perfect, even in our “imperfections”.  Also, let’s not use our looks to be deceitful or disrespectful to the guys we meet. Let’s not play games with their hearts and minds, just to feel that rush of feeling desirable, let’s be kind. Let's demand more of ourselves! Let’s be women who tell the world that we embrace our outward beauty as we focus on constantly increasing all our inward beauty.

a Charlie Brown Christmas tree, and a Grinch with a heart “two sizes too small.”

I love Christmas time

I love lights

I love Christmas trees and wreaths

I love wrapping gifts!

I love the smell of my grandparents wood burning stove mixed with the scent of pine and snow.

I think it is fun that someone decided that green and red mean Christmas, and blue and silver mean Hanukkah.

I like that when you are child you are so excited about what is wrapped and waiting for you under a tree, and then at some point... and you can't remember when, the excitement became about what you have wrapped for other people.

I like that everyone adores Christmas cookies, but everyone has a different cookie that comes to mind when Christmas cookies are mentioned.

I really think reindeer are the best Christmas characters.

I think it’s awesome that people wear mittens, scarfs and boots regardless of the temperature, just because it's Christmas time and that’s what you do.

I think it’s beautiful that everyone encourages one another to donate and give more than they normally do.

I really think big comfortable sweaters and wool socks rock.

I like that there are so many Christmas traditions, and everyone has some that are unique to their family.

I think it is fun that we decorate everything with candy and lights and ornaments.

I love watching people open gifts.

I love drinking mint flavored hot chocolate.

I love building snowmen and making snow angels.

I love that in the cold your nose, ears and the tips of your fingers get a little numb

But most of all…

I adore that people are united by things like a Charlie Brown Christmas tree, and a Grinch with a heart “two sizes too small.”

I adore that people everywhere know that “every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings”

I adore that whether you are religious, or not the beauty of the Christmas season is about recognizing and appreciating real, authentic Love.

"Now tomorrow write about cupcakes"

The rain. The rain fell on me, I was smoking a cigarette, I was thinking about how much I hated the fact that I was standing in possibly the most painful place in all of Los Angeles. I was drenched not by the rain drops that fell from the grey sky, but by the emotions that flooded over my spirit and seeped into my heart.  I paced back and forth, talking to myself, but after only being alone for 5 minutes I was found, by a friend, one of the greatest, most loving friends I’ve been given.

This friend stood by me in the rain, as I smoked my cigarette, she demanded to be embraced, and insisted that I say all the things on my mind.  She squeezed out of me all my thoughts.  She slapped me in the face with honesty; she poured encouragement into my heart. Within minutes I had both cried and laughed because of this friend, and after only five more minutes I was found by two more friends. 

These two friends I depend on every single day, two friends I found when I needed friendship the most. These friends insisted they be with me, on the street in the rain, with tears smeared across my face.

As I stood with these three women my thoughts immediately went to two friends, not present. Two women hundreds of miles away, who I know, would give anything to be with me in that moment if they knew I was standing in such a painful place. In that moment, I realized I have 5 people who I know with complete certainty, will at any moment stand with me, in the rain, regardless of what it does to their hair, because they love me so much… and with that realization all my hurts were washed away.

I put out my cigarette and walked inside, away from that most painful place, with three women by my side, and two tucked away in my heart.

Love is...

There are a lot of ideas out there about what love is.

According to every chick flick, this is love: a girl is a hot mess; she doesn’t know what she’s doing, or where she is going.  She has a job she doesn’t like, she has friends who are all in serious relationships, and she has a cat she goes home to every night. This girl has no idea what she wants or who she is, BUT THEN all the sudden she meets a man, and he is hot mess as well.  He isn’t ready for a relationship, he isn’t ready for love, but after some one hour story, the two realize that they are two hot messes that need each other. They determine that, once together they will find direction and meaning and purpose, they will become complete.

Garbage.

According to every jewelry commercial, this is love: a guy buys some piece of expensive jewelry. The guy hides the necklace, ring or bracelet in his jacket pocket, or has the clerk nicely wrap it in a black velvet box then places it in a beautiful tissue paper filled bag. He then presents it to a thin girl with great hair and a perfect completion.  She is honestly beside herself with joy. The two embrace, and kiss and we as the audience see true love.

Garbage.

According to most songs I’ve heard, love is persuading someone that they are wrong when they tell you that you aren’t the one for them. They say that they will do most anything to earn love. The lyrics of countless songs tell the stories of people who are desperate to earn the love, the affection, the admiration or even simply the attention of someone who doesn’t give a shit about them. 

Garbage.

According to me, this is love: doing what is in the best interest of the other person REGARDLESS of how it affects you.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that you should allow people to treat you badly or that you ought to let someone walk all over you.  What I am saying is that love isn’t found in someone sweeping you off your feet, in a black velvet box, or lyrics of a song. Love is found in self-sacrifice and selflessness.

I have found that to love I have at times had to walk away from the people I care about most, I have had to stop talking to them, I have had to pretend to be brave around them, when I'm really at my weakest; I have to apologize for how I behave in their presence. 

I have found that in love there is a lot of hurt.  There are often a lot of tears.  There is for me a lot of apologizing. 

I have found that because of love I mess up a lot, I clearly see so many of my weaknesses, I realize how much growing I still have to do. 

Sometimes I want to be the person who stands my ground and doesn't doesn't give in, but instead I allow love to be shown through compromise.

There are moments I want to be the one who creates a scene and says everything on my mind, but instead I allow love to be shown through self control.

How I long to be the girl who gets to freely express her frustration or sadness or anger, to the person who has hurt me, regardless of where we are, or what we are doing, but instead I allow love to keep the hurt and the tears at bay, until I am home alone in bed or with a friend who is willing to hold me as I cry. 

I don't compromise, or maintain self-control, or hold in tears for me. I am human, so deep within me is great selfishness... to battle that selfishness, I am constantly at war with my thoughts, actions and attitudes. In this war I have to fight battles within me everyday because of my self-centeredness, and my deep desire to be completely self-serving. No, I compromise, maintain self-control, hold myself together, the best I can for the other person. I do it so they can have moments of happiness or joy. I do it so a night or event isn't overshadowed by my actions or words. I do it so maybe, just maybe, they will come to realize that while I may be hurting or sad or even just “not ok” with how things are, I want them to be nothing but happy, I want them to enjoy their moments and their days, even when I cannot to do the same.
I am no expert at loving, but

I am someone who tries to love through self-sacrifice and selflessness.

I am someone who believes that love is doing what is in the best interest of other people REGARDLESS of how it affects me.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting. These words are found in Proverbs 31:30 in the Bible. Now I know many of you don’t claim Judaism or Christianity, or any religion for that matter, but regardless of that, I think it would be hard to deny that some of the things found in the Bible are wise, and are thought provoking and can touch and change your heart. These words are some of my favorites to cling to in my day to day life and now that I’ve moved to Los Angeles I seem to need them often.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting.  Let’s start with the first part of that.

Charm is deceptive.  When I came to Los Angeles six months ago I remember thinking, "how in the world am I going to ever land a date in this city?  There are so many women from all around the world. They are so talented and desirable; I don’t have anything on them."  To my surprise, to my shock that actually wasn’t the case.  Upon my arrival I received more male attention than I had ever received in my life.  I wasn’t aggressively seeking it either, guys were seeking me.  That was awesome, that was exciting, and that… for the most part, proved to be a pile of SHIT.

I quickly realized that a lot of the male attention I was getting was from guys who were doing nothing more than spreading their charm all over me.  What they were looking for exactly I’m not sure, but I would be wisest to say each is seeking something different. I would assume that these guys wanted to feel wanted, they wanted to feel attractive, they wanted to find out if they could have something, and once they decided they could they moved along.  So, my first encounters with guys in L.A…. this is what I experienced.  I fell hard, and got hurt TWICE before I realized that while this is a game that guys most everywhere like to play, for some reason the males of Los Angeles have turned it Olympic style.

Now this doesn’t mean that all the guys I meet, and know do this.  Nor do I think that they always realize that they are doing what they are doing, but I do believe that in this city of constant frustration and rejection it is easy for males to attempt to build themselves up by winning the approval, attention and affection of beautiful females, they then move on quickly and easily because their priorities lay in the establishment and growth of their emerging careers, and the dash with personal relationships written beside it is found much lower on their life’s list.

That’s fine of course, to these males I say: choose your priorities, choose career over relationships, and choose charm over character, but know that smart women, the women worth having around know that charm is deceptive.  They will let you play your game for a minute, but eventually they will move on.  And once they are moved on, they will be gone. And you will be left alone, with that charm, that career and the girls who accept that you are a boy playing games, the girls who won’t ever encourage you to be a man who changes the world.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, now on to the second part.

Beauty is fleeting.  I wasn’t ever the prettiest, or most good looking girl.  In fact I’d say high school and my early 20's was my awkward stage and that is fine, because I didn’t realize it, and the fact that I wasn’t all that pretty was truly a blessing because I got to grow up slow, and innocent and now that I am in my mid 20’s where lust, and love, and sex, and all that crap can be so overwhelming, I am really thankful I was one of the few who was a late bloomer in all of it.  So anyways, I went off to college, not that pretty, overweight and innocent.  One day, I realized that my weight was out of control, and five years ago I dropped 45 pounds in a summer.  I was so proud of myself, I felt great about myself, and over the past 5 years I have watched myself slowly become a beautiful woman.  I found myself attractive and was, for the most part; honestly content with how I looked.  Then I moved to Los Angeles.

I knew I was moving to a city where many of the most fabulous and gorgeous women can be found, but  I wasn’t aware of just how much this city would affect the way I see myself. The first night I got here I went to the gym, and I remember seeing all the girls. I had spent three months doing double workouts and watching every calorie in attempt to be the best version of myself I had ever been, but when I arrived to L.A. I still was double the size of so many girls at the gym.  In that moment I realized, that being comfortable with who I am, my size, and what I look like was going to be a huge obstacle, probably for as long as I live here in Los Angeles.

For the last six months I have struggled with my looks and my weight, just as I thought I might.  I use to feel so pretty and now I often struggle with feeling less than mediocre.  Women in this city are constantly bombarded with images of “perfection”, with diets, and workouts, and feeling the need to fit into size negative 100 clothes.  I find myself thinking I should do this, or I should stop that. I should lose this much weight or this should be my fitness goal.  My brain is overstimulated with the things that Los Angeles considers beautiful.  Thankfully I have moments, times, even entire days when:

I remember that outward beauty is fleeting.

I remember it’s more important to do what I have always done, and that is to focus on my inward beauty.

I remember that the women I love the most, I love not because of what size they are or what they look like, but because of their hearts, their minds, their spirits.

I remember that I want to touch people’s hearts and what I look like, and what I wear, and how much I weigh won’t affect how I loved people and how I positively impacted their lives.

So, as I begin my next six months in Los Angeles I will continue to cling to the words, "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting."  I am certian I will have times when I struggle to believe these words. I will have good days and bad days, as I reject men who rely on charm instead of character, and as I remember to focus on my heart and spirit rather than my hair, make up and weight.  Los Angeles is a tough city, but I’ve decided I’m going to be tougher, and I’m defiantly not going to accept how things are… I’m going to challenge them, inwardly and outwardly.

I hope you all have a beautifully blessed weekend, filled with so much joy and love. Xo

I just have some things to say....

I have, in the past, made a few attempts at starting a blog, all of which have failed.  However, in the recent months a few great friends of mine,who I love, and admire have begun their own journey into the world of blogging and as I follow their posts, I become more inspired to give blogging another attempt.

Knowing me this blog will simply be a glimpse into my heart, my mind, my soul, my life. I imagine it will end up being a mix of stories from my life, things I find inspiring, quotes that touch my spirit and pictures from my days. 

I attempt to be very transparent as a person... so my blog will likely include moments of joy I experience, and love I encounter, as well as, the times of hurt and frustration I face.

Really I am not exactly sure what will come from this, if anything, but I am going to give it a shot. I don't have anything specific I need or want to say, I don't have any goals in mind. Mostly, I just have something to say, and feel like starting a blog is a great opportunity to share many of the things I think and feel.

Tomorrow I will begin this journey. 

I hope you all have a beautifully blessed weekend, filled with so much joy and love. Xo