There are a lot of ideas out there about what love is.
I have found that because of love I mess up a lot, I clearly see so many of my weaknesses, I realize how much growing I still have to do.
Sometimes I want to be the person who stands my ground and doesn't doesn't give in, but instead I allow love to be shown through compromise.
According to every chick flick, this is love: a girl is a hot
mess; she doesn’t know what she’s doing, or where she is going. She has a job she doesn’t like, she has
friends who are all in serious relationships, and she has a cat she goes home
to every night. This girl has no idea what she wants or who she is, BUT THEN
all the sudden she meets a man, and he is hot mess as well. He isn’t ready for a relationship, he isn’t
ready for love, but after some one hour story, the two realize that they are
two hot messes that need each other. They determine that, once together they will find direction and
meaning and purpose, they will become complete.
Garbage.
According to every jewelry commercial, this is love: a guy
buys some piece of expensive jewelry. The guy hides the necklace, ring or
bracelet in his jacket pocket, or has the clerk nicely wrap it in a black
velvet box then places it in a beautiful tissue paper filled bag. He then
presents it to a thin girl with great hair and a perfect completion. She is honestly beside herself with joy. The
two embrace, and kiss and we as the audience see true love.
Garbage.
According to most songs I’ve heard, love is persuading
someone that they are wrong when they tell you that you aren’t the one for
them. They say that they will do most anything to earn love. The lyrics of countless songs tell
the stories of people who are desperate to earn the love, the affection, the
admiration or even simply the attention of someone who doesn’t give a shit about them.
Garbage.
According to me, this is love: doing what is in the best
interest of the other person REGARDLESS of how it affects you. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that
you should allow people to treat you badly or that you ought to let someone
walk all over you. What I am saying is
that love isn’t found in someone sweeping you off your feet, in a black velvet
box, or lyrics of a song. Love is found in self-sacrifice and selflessness.
I have found that to love I have at times had to walk away
from the people I care about most, I have had to stop talking to them, I have had to pretend to be
brave around them, when I'm really at my weakest; I have to apologize for how I behave in their presence.
I have found that in love there is a lot of hurt. There are often a lot of tears. There is for me a lot of apologizing. I have found that because of love I mess up a lot, I clearly see so many of my weaknesses, I realize how much growing I still have to do.
Sometimes I want to be the person who stands my ground and doesn't doesn't give in, but instead I allow love to be shown through compromise.
There are moments I want to be the one who creates a scene and says everything on my mind, but instead I allow love to be shown through self control.
How I long to be the girl who gets to freely express her frustration or sadness or anger, to the person who has hurt me, regardless of where we are, or what we are doing, but instead I allow love to keep the hurt and the tears at bay, until I am home alone in bed or with a friend who is willing to hold me as I cry.
I don't compromise, or maintain self-control, or hold in tears for me. I am human, so deep within me is great selfishness... to battle that selfishness, I am constantly at war with my thoughts, actions and attitudes. In this war I have to fight battles within me everyday because of my self-centeredness, and my deep desire to be completely self-serving. No, I compromise, maintain self-control, hold myself together, the best I can for the other person. I do it so they can have moments of happiness or joy. I do it so a night or event isn't overshadowed by my actions or words. I do it so maybe, just maybe, they will come to realize that while I may be hurting or sad or even just “not ok” with how things are, I want them to be nothing but happy, I want them to enjoy their moments and their days, even when I cannot to do the same.
I am no expert at loving, but
I don't compromise, or maintain self-control, or hold in tears for me. I am human, so deep within me is great selfishness... to battle that selfishness, I am constantly at war with my thoughts, actions and attitudes. In this war I have to fight battles within me everyday because of my self-centeredness, and my deep desire to be completely self-serving. No, I compromise, maintain self-control, hold myself together, the best I can for the other person. I do it so they can have moments of happiness or joy. I do it so a night or event isn't overshadowed by my actions or words. I do it so maybe, just maybe, they will come to realize that while I may be hurting or sad or even just “not ok” with how things are, I want them to be nothing but happy, I want them to enjoy their moments and their days, even when I cannot to do the same.
I am no expert at loving, but
I am someone who tries to love through self-sacrifice and selflessness.
I am someone who believes that love is doing what is in the best interest of other people REGARDLESS of how it affects me.
I like what you are saying here, but I think that love is so intertwined with trust - and therefore you should be able to vent your frustrations, to speak your mind, and express every drop of yourself to the one you love, in hopes that they do the same back. Love is a complete teardown of walls and boundaries, it is the vulnerability to let someone at your heart, and hopefully they do the same for you. You hurt the ones you love because a big part of being IN love is loving yourself still, and sometimes that will mean hurting others, many times unintentionally. Still, you have to love YOU, and you have to have the trust that all will be forgiven. But never hold back your expression of self and feelings, don't save it for a lonely tear-filled night in bed. If it's love-love, give them all you got and trust that they'll give it right back. If they don't love you, they won't be able to, but at least you know you threw it all on the table.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I love you. :)
Ashley and Sarah,
DeleteWell put.
I've learned that love, like almost everything in this world, is complicated. It is a mess. I have learned that love can be both selfish and selfless. I have made enormous sacrifices for those I love, but like a double edged sword, these sacrifices have also prohibited my own personal growth and self fulfillment. When we are not true to ourselves and to our feelings we are not loving ourselves. So where does one draw the line between loving oneself, which by definition is selfish, and loving others selflessly. You have been working on letting out your feelings and emotions and I think that is good, ultimately, even if it makes someone you love uncomfortable. If they made you uncomfortable, then you need to express that. I have the exact opposite problem. I hold nothing back, I wear my emotions on my sleeve, and sometimes that burdens those I love, and sometimes I do feel selfish because of this burden. Sometimes I long to be able to put on a fake smile and hide my feelings to spare a loved one discomfort. And there are times where this is the better choice, but overall I feel that is always better to be true to your feelings and express them. I do not think there can be an all encompassing expression of love. Life is too complicated, there really are no absolutes when it comes to love. Everyone's experience is different so really, in the end, each person has to define what love is to them, as you have done. This has been my experience.
DeleteWell, I wasn't talking about being IN love, because I haven't yet been in a relationship where I found myself in love with someone who was in love with me. I believe if that ever happens for me that sort of love, then yes, there will have to be a "complete teardown of walls and boundaries" and I will have to be vulnerable and not hold back. But for now love for me means deciding to lay aside my desire to be selfish it means making sacrifices for the people I care about.
ReplyDelete