The Now.

I admire my brother. He has this knack for being able to live in the present. He calls me up for advice sometimes.  He asks me what I think of plans or ideas he has.  Without fail, I tell him the same thing I tell everyone when they ask me for life advice, I tell him to do what makes him happy, that life is too short to live in a way to simply please others, or to do things only because you think that’s what you are supposed to do.  So he goes with that, he does what makes him happy, he adds that to his ability to live in the day today joy he finds in pizza, cigarettes, concerts and his friends, overall I know my brother is content with his “now”. 

I frustrate myself.  I have the tendency to live everywhere but the present.  I find myself suffering with depression from my thoughts and spirit being filled with the past and I am constantly overwhelmed by anxiety from the things yet to come. I ask myself what I should do sometimes, and in response I tell myself to do what makes me happy, that life is too short to live in a way to please others, or to do things simply because I think that’s what I’m supposed to do. However, unlike my brother, I can’t seem to just do that. I struggle through most days, wanting so badly to be the carefree, joyful, adventurous girl I know I am, but instead I find myself weighed down by all the hurt of my past and the complete nausea that comes with not knowing what the future holds. 

Today I stopped and thought. I’m obviously not living a life that makes me happy, and so I should do something to change that.  I sat down and I am making myself think about what I really want, what would make me happy ...would make me content. I don’t know what the answer to that is yet, but I’m sitting here and I’m going to dig deep to figure out what the answer is, because I don’t want the past or future anymore, I just want the present. 

 

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. 

~Ralph Waldo Emerson