Good Enough

Those closest to me know that about 4 years ago I faced an extremely challenging time in my life. I was working full time, while studying Christian Ministry, and volunteering several  days a week  with a middle school youth group.  The plan I had in mind was to find a job as a youth minister after I graduated from my degree program. I worked hard at school, and poured my heart into ministry.  I loved God, I loved my church, I loved the kids I served. 

During this time I began dating my first boyfriend. We were of course early 20-somethings, we cared about each other, we were very attracted to one another, we had every desire a couple has, but we determined that we would best honor God by creating clear boundaries about what we were going to do and not going to do physically in our relationship.  It was a challenge we maintained the boundaries, though one night kissing got a little too heated. As a result my chest displayed hickies, which were obviously visible. 

We immediately felt we had crossed lines and talked to each other about it. We talked about being more diligent with our boundaries, not pushing  the lines so much.  We had an open conversation where we both agreed we needed to be more careful. We thought that would be that. It wasn’t.

Over the next few weeks I got called into the church, I was told that pushing the boundaries in a few areas of my life was unacceptable.  That I was a leader and I couldn’t be a youth leader if I acted like this.  While I understand what the attempt of the meeting was, all I heard, all I took away was YOU TRY AND TRY BUT YOU AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH.

This shook my world. I felt kicked out of a club that everyone else seemed welcome to.  I felt pushed down. Singled out. I felt isolated. I felt like someone should have stood up for me but they didn’t. Not really.

I tried to continue my life as I had but my core had been shaken.  I’d walk into church and though I’d corrected my behavior I felt draped in shame.  I worried about holding my boyfriend’s hand, I worried about the clothes I wore, I worried about the beer I had while I watched the Packers play.  For a year all I heard, all I felt was YOU TRY AND TRY BUT YOU AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH.

Finally the pain and the shame became too much to bear. I decided that my all wasn’t good enough for God, so what was the point. Within a year my boyfriend and I quickly broke up. I stopped volunteering at church. I moved. I changed my major. I stopped going to church.  I started running away from God, because being close to Him made me feel like I was a fool, thinking that my best was pleasing, when now I saw that my best was fine until I failed.

By the next year the repeat of YOU TRY AND TRY BUT YOU AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH had me about as far away from God as I could have been.  I figured what’s the point. I did whatever I wanted.  Amongst so many other things, I drank too much, I gave no concern for what I wore and most of all I blew physical boundaries out the water.

As a result the last 4 years have come with their own set of problems and hurt.  The last 4 years have consisted of my attempting to find a new place I belong;  a new place where I can love people, where I can work my way into people’s lives, where I can once again feel like I’m part of something, where I can feel at home.

I thought I had found that with my move to Los Angeles.  But some months ago, after I made a mistake and I found myself feeling like I did the day I was at church being told that what I do is unacceptable.  Once again my world shook. Once I felt kicked out of a club that everyone else seemed welcome to.  I felt pushed down. Singled out. I felt isolated. I felt like someone should have stood up for me but they didn’t, not completely.  

While this recent mess has been heartbreaking, I now believe that the purpose of it was to make the last 4 years come full circle.  I believe it was God’s way of having me look at a bigger picture. 

I can finally now clearly hear God again.  I hear Him telling me, “MEN say to you, “YOU TRY AND TRY BUT YOU AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH.” But I tell you “Ashley, I love you.  Just as you are.  I love you when you’re flying and when you’ve fallen. I love you when you’re obeying and I love you when you can’t seem to get it right. Let men have their opinions, let them say what they will, because you know, I know you do, that only my opinion counts, and Ash, I created you so you are more than good enough, you are mine.”

Out of all of this the lesson I have learned is: If people want someone who is perfect, they’ll have to go somewhere else, because I am not perfect, I won’t ever be.  I will fall, and I will fail.  I will let them down, and I will disappoint.  However, if people want an authentic person, then I am the right person.  My heart is sincere and filled with care.  Love flows through me and out of me.  Perfection from me is impossible but my love and sincerity are steadfast.