5 AM Realist.

I couldn't sleep last night which is absolutely nothing new. So as soon as I saw the first sign of the rising sun I laced up my running shoes and took off into the early hours of Saturday morning.

One of the things I'm constantly thinking about are my relationships. Lately I've been thinking about how I've gotten where I am. The roads I've taken, and the choices I've made.

About half way through my run this morning I realized that a continual struggle I have when it comes to men, dating, the idea or concept of love is that I so desperately long to be a romantic but after countless heartbreaks and overwhelming heartaches an avalanche of hurt swept me up and I found myself taken from a beautiful hope filled place of optimism and romanticism to a valley of frustration and realism.

Now I'm not saying there is anything wrong with being a realist when it comes to love. Being a realist has its benefits for sure, but there is a problem when being a realist means not being who or how you are at your core.

For as long as I can remember I had a beautiful idea of how I wanted my life to go. I wanted to be the girl who waited for the right guy. The girl who didn't settle, who was willing to make personal sacrifices for something I had yet to find. But slowly, after getting hurt and rejected over and over I began to see myself as foolish to believe that some guy was out there waiting for me, looking for me like I anxiously sought him. 

I remember the day I put romanticism in a box and decided to be a realist.  I in no way regret that day or the decisions that followed because I've grown, and learned a lot since. I've found parts and pieces of me I didn't know existed. I've grown up a lot emotionally and even mentally since becoming a realist.

However since that day, since those decisions I made there has been an inward battle I've been fighting. I have been living as a realist but I am no realist, I long for the passionate, for idealism, however, I put that part of me away so long ago that it's now covered in dust; hidden from me, now very foreign and now very scary.

How I long to be a romantic again, to get back to believing that I don't have to settle, that I will find what I greatly desire.  How I long to once again believe in the seemingly impractical.

However, romanticism, something that was for so long a part of me, is now completely terrifying because it takes faith that I've lost,  it takes hope that I struggle to have, it takes fighting for something I can't be sure even exists.   Allowing myself to be a romantic again would mean allowing a part of me that I’ve been suffocating to come to bloom again. I would have to bravely allow myself to hope and dream again.  I would have to let the passion, the idealism, the most impractical and possibly even foolish thoughts once again flow from my heart.  I would have to go back to parts of my former self. A self I have for so long been hiding away, too afraid to revisit.

Broken

I'm broken. I'm not looking for anyone to put me back together. That's not anyone else's job. What I'm looking for are the people who love me enough to hold me while I'm weak. What I'm looking for are the people who support me while I put all my pieces back together. What I'm looking for are the people who love me enough to see all my beauty even in my brokenness.

Like Belle

Beauty and the Beast came out when I was in Kindergarten.  I adored that movie.  Belle was so beautiful, adventurous, and brave.  She wanted to be smart, she didn’t like the guy all the other girls did, because she could tell he was a conceited, douchebag, and she even had brown hair like me! Belle made the greatest sacrifice she could for the person she loved most, she was kind to the beast who held her captive, she was feisty and stood her ground, and she became a beautiful light in a very dark place.

Belle was awesome and so I dressed up as her for Halloween. I was so excited to let my inner Princess Belle shine! When the day came for us to wear our costumes to school many of the other girls in my class had also dressed up as Belle.  However, my mom had made my Belle costume and they had all gotten theirs from a store.  On the playground a few of the other Belle’s made fun of my costume.  They informed me that I didn’t have the real costume, which meant I wasn’t the real Belle. I didn't cry or let them know that I was hurt. But I was broken hearted because I wasn't a princess.  

 

 

Flash forward to now.  It’s been 20 years since I showed up to school in that Belle costume and that encounter on the playground still sticks with me. I’ve gone through the past 20 years wanting to let my inner princess shine while being told by the world around me that I’m no princess at all.

I’m told I’m not beautiful enough, or brave enough.  I’m told I’m not smart enough or that adventure is for someone else.  Guys (not all of course) don’t treat me like I’m a valuable princess.  To so many I’m just a regular girl, easily tossed aside, easily ignored, easily replaced.  The world has spent the last 20 years trying to convince me that I’m wrong in believing I’m a princess and deserve to be treated like one.  And recently, I must admit,I have started to believe that I belong in the tower alone, and not in a ballgown with a crown on my head. But tonight, tonight I realize that’s ridiculous! I am a princess and I must remind myself of that!

Like Belle I am beautiful, adventurous and brave.  I desire to learn and grow.  I don’t want to settle for guys who don’t treat me like I’m a priority, who act as if I’m invaluable and replaceable. I want to make great sacrifices in the name of love and I want to show kindness to the beasts I encounter.  I want to be like Belle, a feisty  princess who knows what she deserves and knows what she is worth. A pricess not because I have the right dress, but because I am a light in the darkest of places.   

So starting now I’m going to pick myself up off the tower floor, I'm going to wipe the tears from my eyes and I'm going to lift up my head. I’m going to pick up my crown that the world has for 20 years been knocking off my head.  This time however, instead of just putting it on and waiting for it to be knocked off again I’m going to shine it up and I’m going to secure it to my head, it’s not coming off again.  I’m going to wear it proudly while I go on my adventures, and gain knowledge.  I’m going to show it off while I’m making sacrifices and when I encounter beasts.  I’m going to let it shine while I wait for the guy who recognizes that the dungeon is no place for me, that I’m supposed to be in a beautiful dress being swept across a dance floor. I am a princess and from now on the world is going to know it.

 

 

 

Patience and Passion

You know those days when you need something but you aren’t sure what it is exactly you need?  You feel “off”, your body is restless; your mind is in overdrive.  You know you need something but you can’t figure out what it is.

I have a lot of days like that.  Days where nothing is wrong per say, but life isn’t exactly right either.  Sometimes on those days I need a cupcake, sometimes a nap.  Sometimes I need a glass of wine, or two.  But usually, usually what I really need are words.  I can feel that I need filled up, with words, with wisdom, with a concept, belief, idea, encouragement.  I need to find a piece of truth that I haven’t found yet, but that has been found by those who have come before me. So, I read.  I read the words of those who have journeyed through this life and found nuggets of truth that I have yet to discover, who phrase things in ways that my spirit understands before my heart or mind do. Who have a piece of me, that I need, but didn’t know was missing. Today, like so many other days I was desperate to find such words, and thankfully I found exactly what I needed.

Seek patience and passion in equal amounts. Patience alone will not build the temple. Passion alone will destroy its walls.

                         -Maya Angelou

Those beautiful words were everything I needed today. They brought together weeks of jumbled thoughts and feelings that I’ve been desperately trying to sort out on my own.  I’ve been trying to get my heart, mind, spirit in order, to clean up what feels to be a giant mess inside of me. I haven't been able to pin point my exact problem or frustration I have been having an extremely difficult time sorting myself out.  However, after stumbling onto these words this morning I have finally discovered my great struggle at this point in my life. I don’t have patience and passion in equal amounts.

Personally I believe that passion is one of the most beautiful things there is in this world.  Passion is seen through artist’s work, the kind of work that makes you stop, reflect, and dig deep.  Passion is seen in love, the kind of love that takes your breath away.  Passion is seen in life.  In people who dare to stand out, who take risks, who dream big.  Passion makes you look and think differently, it makes your heart beat fast and makes your imagination run wild. Passion is intoxicating and brilliant.  Passion is true beauty.

I so desire to be passionate.  I work hard.  I create. I love. I dream.  I pour my heart and my soul into the things I do.  I allow my empathy, sympathy, and love to be my fuel. I live with the idea that I want to be truly passionate about my life, and so I try my best to be.

Personally I believe that patience sucks. Being patient is one of the most challenging and frustrating things I have to do.  The idea of going without instant gratification is not something I’m a huge fan of.  Having to wait makes me anxious.  I become restless in my body, spirit and especially my mind.  If I have to be too patient, if I have to wait too long, I get lost in my thoughts, and once that happens I’m a goner.

Patience is most difficult for me because there have been so many times when I have waited patiently only to end up with nothing.  Patience has led to much heartache.  Patience has led to wasting my time.  Patience makes me feel helpless. 

Simply broken down, to me, patience is waiting, and passion is doing.  And I’d much rather do than wait.

However, after reading the Maya Angelou quote this morning I’ve begun to realize that I have the wrong mindset when it comes to patience and passion. I am now realizing that I need my life to be fueled by both.  I am constantly feeling like I am passionately running as fast and as hard in this life as I can yet I’m getting nowhere.  I feel exhausted.  Maybe just maybe that’s where this patience thing comes in.  Perhaps it’s about passionately doing everything, but in a slower, steadier way.

Maybe I’m so busy building a temple that I haven’t realized all the walls I’m destroying at the same time.  Maybe if balanced my passion with some patience I’d no longer feel like I was running fast and hard with no end in sight.  Maybe if I add a little patience I won’t be quite so exhausted. Maybe with the addition of patience I’ll actually find what I’ve been passionately seeking.

Vulnerability

A couple days ago I was at the playground with Parker. There was a little boy there with his sisters and mom playing hide-and-seek.  He ran up the playground equipment with one of his sisters following him.  He giggled and laughed as his mom prepared to find him.  He yelled to his sister “Quick! Hide in this tube, and make sure to close your eyes… if you close your eyes she can’t see us.” There it is, the simple idea that if you want to escape something all you have to do is: run, hide, then close your eyes, and if you do those things, you’ll be safe. 

I’ve had a desire to run away for a while now.  I’ve been looking for a place to run.  As I write this I’m finally realizing why. I’m about to take some pretty large life steps.  I have a lot of choices to make about what’s next in my life, who I want to be, what my life is going to look like.  I’m trying to figure out, who I am, and where I want to be, what I want to do.  For a while now I’ve just been transitioning into adulthood, but now it’s time to make adult decisions, and that’s scary.

I really try to be fearless. There isn’t much I’m afraid of, and when I realize I am afraid of something, I don’t like it, so I do my best to conquer the fear. I was afraid of flying, conquered that fear. I was afraid of zombies, conquered that fear. However, the thing I can’t stop being afraid of is vulnerability, and now that I’m beginning to have to make adult decisions, I’m being forced into being vulnerable.

Vulnerability is scary because when you allow yourself to be vulnerable every hurt that was a result of past vulnerability comes flooding back.  All the rejections and heartaches you've experienced flow over you.  You remember how you cried, how you fell to the ground, how you couldn’t breathe, how it felt like your heart had been ripped out.

Vulnerability is scary because it’s you acknowledging and revealing your heart’s true desires.  Once you’ve acknowledged to yourself what you want there is no more ignoring it.  Once you’ve revealed the true desires of your heart, there is no more hiding them.  Once you are vulnerable about something there is no taking it back.

Vulnerability is scary because it makes you feel weak.  You feel like you’ve lost the upper hand, you feel like you’ve relinquished any sort of control you may have had over a feeling or desire.  Being vulnerable is the opposite of running, hiding and closing your eyes. Vulnerability is allowing yourself, your heart, your desires to be seen.

So, there it is, that’s why I want to run away because I know it’s time to acknowledge and reveal my heart’s true desires but to do that I know deep down I’m going to have to get very vulnerable and that scares me. Vulnerability scares me a lot, and I’m not so sure I’m strong or brave enough at this particular moment to be as vulnerable as I know I’m going to need to be. I just don’t know.

Ignite your soul

One of my very best friends just got offered a spot in the Peace Corps, an offer to be placed in Botswana.  She applied to the Peace Corps just over a year ago, and for the past 13 months she been anxiously awaiting first acceptance into the Corps, then once that happened placement. After busting her ass for years my best friend finally got what she wanted, and the moment she got what she had been working so hard for other things fell apart in her life, for she realized that if she goes away that puts her personal relationships here, on hold.   

My best friend realized that getting what you want often comes with a cost, and if she wanted to accept something new in her life, that would require that she eliminate, or at the very least put on hold parts of the life she had been building while waiting for her ultimate goal.  The night after she got the offer to be placed in Botswana we had a two hour conversation. For hours we talked as she attempted to decide exactly what life she wanted: the one she had been working so hard at building in Tucson, or the one she has dreamed of in Africa. 

I haven’t talked to my friend since.  She has a week to make one of the biggest life decisions she’ll ever have to make, she’ll call me when she needs to talk, but the final thought I left her with last week was this: “I'm going to miss you so much, but I know that this experience will ignite your soul and life is about working towards the moments that do that.”

 “This experience will ignite your soul and life is about working towards the moments that do that”, what an amazing thought, I don’t know where that wisdom came from, God probably.

I’m not sure about you but most of my days are mediocre at best.  I wake up, I go to work. I do some homework, hit the gym, watch Netflix, text my friends, jump on and off of Facebook, a few times a week I call up friends or family members to have one- on- one time we can’t have in person.  I might go to Starbucks or on a mini adventure, but really for the most part my days are just your average everyday days. 

However, while I’m working to make it through the day to day I am also working for a much bigger picture. I decided a long time ago that while many of my days may be mediocre the idea that my overall life story will end up being run-of-the-mill is unacceptable.  So, I have invested my time in energy into things like relationships and education.  I pour all the energy I can into these two things because I know that if I stock pile these things moments, opportunities and experiences will arise when a spark will come, when my soul will be ignited in ways more than I can even imagine, and when those moments happen I want the flame to burn bright, fueled by the surplus of knowledge and love I have stored up. 

After talking to my friend last week though, I now realize that wanting the sparks to come isn’t enough, because they will inevitably come.  Through the years I will be offered things, I’ve worked towards. I will find love I’ve been searching for. I will be given opportunities I’ve dreamed of.  After talking to my friend I now realized that wanting the spark can’t be where I stop, being willing to accept the sparks that will ignite my soul will be the real challenge, finding the strength and courage to jump when it’s time.

So this is what I leave you with today. First I ask, what are you stockpiling in your soul?  What is waiting to be ignited inside of you? Secondly I ask, when the time comes, which it will, when your soul is ignited will you hesitate? Will you stop and question your hopes and dreams? Will you consider giving them up to settle for what you’ve created while waiting for them, or will you embrace the gift of an ignited soul; embrace the fire that wants to spread?

The Now.

I admire my brother. He has this knack for being able to live in the present. He calls me up for advice sometimes.  He asks me what I think of plans or ideas he has.  Without fail, I tell him the same thing I tell everyone when they ask me for life advice, I tell him to do what makes him happy, that life is too short to live in a way to simply please others, or to do things only because you think that’s what you are supposed to do.  So he goes with that, he does what makes him happy, he adds that to his ability to live in the day today joy he finds in pizza, cigarettes, concerts and his friends, overall I know my brother is content with his “now”. 

I frustrate myself.  I have the tendency to live everywhere but the present.  I find myself suffering with depression from my thoughts and spirit being filled with the past and I am constantly overwhelmed by anxiety from the things yet to come. I ask myself what I should do sometimes, and in response I tell myself to do what makes me happy, that life is too short to live in a way to please others, or to do things simply because I think that’s what I’m supposed to do. However, unlike my brother, I can’t seem to just do that. I struggle through most days, wanting so badly to be the carefree, joyful, adventurous girl I know I am, but instead I find myself weighed down by all the hurt of my past and the complete nausea that comes with not knowing what the future holds. 

Today I stopped and thought. I’m obviously not living a life that makes me happy, and so I should do something to change that.  I sat down and I am making myself think about what I really want, what would make me happy ...would make me content. I don’t know what the answer to that is yet, but I’m sitting here and I’m going to dig deep to figure out what the answer is, because I don’t want the past or future anymore, I just want the present. 

 

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. 

~Ralph Waldo Emerson