Patience and Passion

You know those days when you need something but you aren’t sure what it is exactly you need?  You feel “off”, your body is restless; your mind is in overdrive.  You know you need something but you can’t figure out what it is.

I have a lot of days like that.  Days where nothing is wrong per say, but life isn’t exactly right either.  Sometimes on those days I need a cupcake, sometimes a nap.  Sometimes I need a glass of wine, or two.  But usually, usually what I really need are words.  I can feel that I need filled up, with words, with wisdom, with a concept, belief, idea, encouragement.  I need to find a piece of truth that I haven’t found yet, but that has been found by those who have come before me. So, I read.  I read the words of those who have journeyed through this life and found nuggets of truth that I have yet to discover, who phrase things in ways that my spirit understands before my heart or mind do. Who have a piece of me, that I need, but didn’t know was missing. Today, like so many other days I was desperate to find such words, and thankfully I found exactly what I needed.

Seek patience and passion in equal amounts. Patience alone will not build the temple. Passion alone will destroy its walls.

                         -Maya Angelou

Those beautiful words were everything I needed today. They brought together weeks of jumbled thoughts and feelings that I’ve been desperately trying to sort out on my own.  I’ve been trying to get my heart, mind, spirit in order, to clean up what feels to be a giant mess inside of me. I haven't been able to pin point my exact problem or frustration I have been having an extremely difficult time sorting myself out.  However, after stumbling onto these words this morning I have finally discovered my great struggle at this point in my life. I don’t have patience and passion in equal amounts.

Personally I believe that passion is one of the most beautiful things there is in this world.  Passion is seen through artist’s work, the kind of work that makes you stop, reflect, and dig deep.  Passion is seen in love, the kind of love that takes your breath away.  Passion is seen in life.  In people who dare to stand out, who take risks, who dream big.  Passion makes you look and think differently, it makes your heart beat fast and makes your imagination run wild. Passion is intoxicating and brilliant.  Passion is true beauty.

I so desire to be passionate.  I work hard.  I create. I love. I dream.  I pour my heart and my soul into the things I do.  I allow my empathy, sympathy, and love to be my fuel. I live with the idea that I want to be truly passionate about my life, and so I try my best to be.

Personally I believe that patience sucks. Being patient is one of the most challenging and frustrating things I have to do.  The idea of going without instant gratification is not something I’m a huge fan of.  Having to wait makes me anxious.  I become restless in my body, spirit and especially my mind.  If I have to be too patient, if I have to wait too long, I get lost in my thoughts, and once that happens I’m a goner.

Patience is most difficult for me because there have been so many times when I have waited patiently only to end up with nothing.  Patience has led to much heartache.  Patience has led to wasting my time.  Patience makes me feel helpless. 

Simply broken down, to me, patience is waiting, and passion is doing.  And I’d much rather do than wait.

However, after reading the Maya Angelou quote this morning I’ve begun to realize that I have the wrong mindset when it comes to patience and passion. I am now realizing that I need my life to be fueled by both.  I am constantly feeling like I am passionately running as fast and as hard in this life as I can yet I’m getting nowhere.  I feel exhausted.  Maybe just maybe that’s where this patience thing comes in.  Perhaps it’s about passionately doing everything, but in a slower, steadier way.

Maybe I’m so busy building a temple that I haven’t realized all the walls I’m destroying at the same time.  Maybe if balanced my passion with some patience I’d no longer feel like I was running fast and hard with no end in sight.  Maybe if I add a little patience I won’t be quite so exhausted. Maybe with the addition of patience I’ll actually find what I’ve been passionately seeking.