Vulnerability

A couple days ago I was at the playground with Parker. There was a little boy there with his sisters and mom playing hide-and-seek.  He ran up the playground equipment with one of his sisters following him.  He giggled and laughed as his mom prepared to find him.  He yelled to his sister “Quick! Hide in this tube, and make sure to close your eyes… if you close your eyes she can’t see us.” There it is, the simple idea that if you want to escape something all you have to do is: run, hide, then close your eyes, and if you do those things, you’ll be safe. 

I’ve had a desire to run away for a while now.  I’ve been looking for a place to run.  As I write this I’m finally realizing why. I’m about to take some pretty large life steps.  I have a lot of choices to make about what’s next in my life, who I want to be, what my life is going to look like.  I’m trying to figure out, who I am, and where I want to be, what I want to do.  For a while now I’ve just been transitioning into adulthood, but now it’s time to make adult decisions, and that’s scary.

I really try to be fearless. There isn’t much I’m afraid of, and when I realize I am afraid of something, I don’t like it, so I do my best to conquer the fear. I was afraid of flying, conquered that fear. I was afraid of zombies, conquered that fear. However, the thing I can’t stop being afraid of is vulnerability, and now that I’m beginning to have to make adult decisions, I’m being forced into being vulnerable.

Vulnerability is scary because when you allow yourself to be vulnerable every hurt that was a result of past vulnerability comes flooding back.  All the rejections and heartaches you've experienced flow over you.  You remember how you cried, how you fell to the ground, how you couldn’t breathe, how it felt like your heart had been ripped out.

Vulnerability is scary because it’s you acknowledging and revealing your heart’s true desires.  Once you’ve acknowledged to yourself what you want there is no more ignoring it.  Once you’ve revealed the true desires of your heart, there is no more hiding them.  Once you are vulnerable about something there is no taking it back.

Vulnerability is scary because it makes you feel weak.  You feel like you’ve lost the upper hand, you feel like you’ve relinquished any sort of control you may have had over a feeling or desire.  Being vulnerable is the opposite of running, hiding and closing your eyes. Vulnerability is allowing yourself, your heart, your desires to be seen.

So, there it is, that’s why I want to run away because I know it’s time to acknowledge and reveal my heart’s true desires but to do that I know deep down I’m going to have to get very vulnerable and that scares me. Vulnerability scares me a lot, and I’m not so sure I’m strong or brave enough at this particular moment to be as vulnerable as I know I’m going to need to be. I just don’t know.