Minefields

Experience has taught me that when a person exits my life they will reemerge eventually. In fact I am now a pretty firm believer in the idea that "they always come back". While this concept would have at one time been a great comfort for me, something to look forward to, a thread of hope to hang tight to, I now hate this simple belief.

I hate this idea I've found to be truth, because people tend to come back the moment I am completely content with the decision they had made to no longer be part my life , the moment my heart has healed from the hurt they caused, the moment I know I can live without them. 

I now feel so conflicted while I grieve for relationships I feel I've lost, because part of me wants nothing more than to heal and move on, while another part of me hesitates to fully recover from a heartbreak because I believe the moment I'm finally at peace with what's happened, or not happened, the person, relationship, heartache I've been actively recovering from will reappear, and tear open the wound I've been working  so diligently at stitching together. 

So often I find myself holding my breath as I make my way through the stages of grief, because I feel that if I fully exhale the hurt, pain, and disappointment I will likely take no more than two breaths before the air is knocked out of me again, with the blow of the person in question making their grand reappearance. 

The heartache in the days or months following a relationship not progressing, or working out the way I so hoped it would results in a walk through a minefield of emotions. As I've gotten older I've learned how to maneuver through these fields strategically. I've learned how, where and when to step as to avoid being torn apart from the explosions that come if I linger too long on the hopes, feelings, words, passion I'd felt. I've successfully made it through emotional minefields time after time. I've found that each time I make my way though a battlefield it's easier. I think this ease comes partially from the confidence I have in my ability to make it through a great heartache, and partially because the need to make it through a hypothetical field of emotional booby traps in one piece is an absolute necessity. 

However, the problem I now face is no longer the question of whether or not I will make it through the emotional minefields we all must walk through after heartache, whether or not Ill be able to avoid being torn apart by the emotional bombs I encounter, because I know I'll make it. The problem I now face is found in that idea of "they always come back". 

It seems to me that time and time again I've made it through minefields only to be hit and shattered by the reappearance of a person who walked away, who hurt me deeply. In my experiences these reappearances make me feel as though I've escaped a minefield only to be hit by a car.