One of the struggles I have is my inability to let things go. I know from life experience that some things aren't ever going to be "ok", that some situations won't ever be resolved, that not every relationship can be salvaged. However, I can never seem to just accept that and move on.
I am constantly beating myself up over anything I deem a failure. I let myself believe that every imperfect thing is my fault, that I could have done better or worked harder. That I am too much for people, too critical, my expectations are too high, that I am the common factor in all my problems so I must be the problem.
I want to keep talking, I want to keep trying, I want to keep fixing. I find that I take so many things far too personally, I find that I allow conflict or anything that is unresolved to chip away at my spirit, to create overwhelming anxiety, to drive me crazy.
Of course over the years I have learned from experience that not everything can or will be resolved. So when I try everything I can, and still fall short of my goal I decide that I just need to "get over it".
I've gone to see therapists after these "failed" experiences, situations and relationships. Typically I walk in their door once I'm at the "Ash, you need to get over it phase". After a couple sessions of pouring out my heart, and soul to a therapist I find that they're response is two fold:
1. They tell me I'm too hard on myself, as one therapist told me "Ashley, you are so full of grace for others, but have so little grace for yourself"
2. They tell me that you can't just expect to get over things.
Now I've been learning over the past couple years to actively have more grace with myself. I still struggle with it, I still have a lot of anxiety in my imperfection, but I've made great personal strides in this area.
The part that I struggle more with is why can't I just get over things?
Other people seem to just stop giving a shit, so why can't I?
Other people can just not care about a failed experience, situation, relationship, so why can't I?
Other people can just walk away, and not look back, so why can't I?
WHY CAN'T I JUST GET OVER IT!!? I yell this question to myself all the time. But finally yesterday I was listening to Jillian Michael's podcast and she explained it perfectly:
"You don't get around things in life, you don't get over things... you work through them.... what are the lessons? what are you meant to learn? how are you going to grow?"
I thought that this statement was one of the wisest things I've heard in a really long time. It was an idea or a concept I was already familiar with, but there was just something about the timing, and the wording that truly touched my heart.
The truth is that people don't and can't truly just decide to stop giving a shit, they can't decide to stop caring, or they can't decide to just walk away from the experiences, situations, relationships that are important to them. What these people are really attempting to do is get around or over things... they aren't working through the situations, they are trying to ignore the hurt or loss, and honestly these people might get away with not giving a shit, with not caring, with not looking back FOR A WHILE, but eventually everything they are trying to avoid, everything they are trying to ignore, everything that they are trying to suppress is going to show it's self, it's going to catch up to them, it's going to flow out of their heart and spirit. The hurt, the anger, the loss is going to pour out eventually, and will likely be uncontainable. More than likely it's going to be a dam that breaks. The feelings are going to flood their life when the timing is bad, the hurt, the anger are likely going to be projected onto the wrong people, the loss is going be delayed but no less painful.
So here is my new point of view.
I can't just "get over" things because nobody is supposed to just "get over" anything, instead I have to work through things. It may be a slow, difficult journey but working through difficult experiences, challenging situations, broken relationships is the only real way to learn, grow, change and mature. It's the only way to gather the lessons I need. It's the only way for me to be the strongest, most prepared, most bad ass version of myself. Working through things is the only way to be ready what for ever life is going to throw at me next.
I am constantly beating myself up over anything I deem a failure. I let myself believe that every imperfect thing is my fault, that I could have done better or worked harder. That I am too much for people, too critical, my expectations are too high, that I am the common factor in all my problems so I must be the problem.
I want to keep talking, I want to keep trying, I want to keep fixing. I find that I take so many things far too personally, I find that I allow conflict or anything that is unresolved to chip away at my spirit, to create overwhelming anxiety, to drive me crazy.
Of course over the years I have learned from experience that not everything can or will be resolved. So when I try everything I can, and still fall short of my goal I decide that I just need to "get over it".
I've gone to see therapists after these "failed" experiences, situations and relationships. Typically I walk in their door once I'm at the "Ash, you need to get over it phase". After a couple sessions of pouring out my heart, and soul to a therapist I find that they're response is two fold:
1. They tell me I'm too hard on myself, as one therapist told me "Ashley, you are so full of grace for others, but have so little grace for yourself"
2. They tell me that you can't just expect to get over things.
Now I've been learning over the past couple years to actively have more grace with myself. I still struggle with it, I still have a lot of anxiety in my imperfection, but I've made great personal strides in this area.
The part that I struggle more with is why can't I just get over things?
Other people seem to just stop giving a shit, so why can't I?
Other people can just not care about a failed experience, situation, relationship, so why can't I?
Other people can just walk away, and not look back, so why can't I?
WHY CAN'T I JUST GET OVER IT!!? I yell this question to myself all the time. But finally yesterday I was listening to Jillian Michael's podcast and she explained it perfectly:
"You don't get around things in life, you don't get over things... you work through them.... what are the lessons? what are you meant to learn? how are you going to grow?"
I thought that this statement was one of the wisest things I've heard in a really long time. It was an idea or a concept I was already familiar with, but there was just something about the timing, and the wording that truly touched my heart.
The truth is that people don't and can't truly just decide to stop giving a shit, they can't decide to stop caring, or they can't decide to just walk away from the experiences, situations, relationships that are important to them. What these people are really attempting to do is get around or over things... they aren't working through the situations, they are trying to ignore the hurt or loss, and honestly these people might get away with not giving a shit, with not caring, with not looking back FOR A WHILE, but eventually everything they are trying to avoid, everything they are trying to ignore, everything that they are trying to suppress is going to show it's self, it's going to catch up to them, it's going to flow out of their heart and spirit. The hurt, the anger, the loss is going to pour out eventually, and will likely be uncontainable. More than likely it's going to be a dam that breaks. The feelings are going to flood their life when the timing is bad, the hurt, the anger are likely going to be projected onto the wrong people, the loss is going be delayed but no less painful.
So here is my new point of view.
I can't just "get over" things because nobody is supposed to just "get over" anything, instead I have to work through things. It may be a slow, difficult journey but working through difficult experiences, challenging situations, broken relationships is the only real way to learn, grow, change and mature. It's the only way to gather the lessons I need. It's the only way for me to be the strongest, most prepared, most bad ass version of myself. Working through things is the only way to be ready what for ever life is going to throw at me next.
I happened upon your blog today. I appreciate the raw passion and honesty you pour onto your writing. Keep it up!
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