Plain Noodles

I knew when starting this blog there would come a day when I'd feel compelled to write about my struggle with depression. It isn't really anything I've looked forward to writing about because it's not something I love talking about. My struggle with depression isn't something I enjoy sharing with people but I recognize that if I want to be authentic and real it's a subject I should be opening up about.

Last night I was at the laundry mat watching four dryers filled with my clothes spin round and round. As I watched my clothes dry not a single thought ran through my mind. That's the moment I realized something was off. Normally my brain is in over-drive, thoughts fill it at a speed so fast I'm unable to keep up with myself. I can't help myself from over-thinking everything all the time. And this is the me I've come to accept. The me who is completely in my head, perfectly content with observing the world around me and thinking about everything that flows into my thoughts. Last night however there were no thoughts other than the fact that my mind was completely empty. In that moment I internally screamed "noooo!"

Depression is this thing I always know is there just waiting to show itself again, but I always deep down wish that I've escaped it, that I've battled it to it's death. However, that's never the case, it eventually returns. So when it does I immediately begin an inward rage. I get so frustrated, so discouraged with the idea that I might have to struggle with this, and deal with this my entire life. As my clothes finished drying I realized I needed to get home. Immediately.  

The perfectionist in me tried to convince myself to not just throw the clothes in the baskets "it's going to be so much work Ash" I told myself "when you get out of this funk you'll have to steam every piece of clothing in those four dryers", but I threw all the clothes quickly in baskets anyways, loaded my car and drove home.

My thoughts were filled of all the other times I'd sunk into depression. All the pushing away from people I've done, all the moments I'd said too much or not enough, the having to explain my depression to people and their responses to what I tell them.

" Wow, but you're so pretty and nice" ... As if only mean, ugly people get sick. That's not how this world works.
" Just pray about it" .... As if I hadn't thought of that idea. No one will ever know the amount of times I've begged God to take this from me.
" Oh... Well... Just be happy" As if I could just shake depression out of me. The people who say that to me, don't ever even get a response.

The moment I walked through the door I headed straight to my bed and collapsed.  I then slept for 14 hours until my alarm rang this morning.
                 
Last night while I was sleeping I missed numerous text messages, more than one call, and a birthday party. I feel shitty, but honestly that's just what happens.  This morning I forced myself to get up, get dressed, do my hair, and makeup. There was a time when I suffered from depression that I would never have made myself to any of those things, but now that I've realized it's going to be a constant struggle in my life I have to at least force myself to do some things.

I had three short text conversations with three friends this morning, all who know about my depression. Honestly, I didn't want to talk to anyone but I forced myself to respond. Each made attempts to show that they love me and that I'm cared for, and of course I appreciate it, but right now  kind words won't sink in, love from others only goes so far, I've been in this place enough times to be aware of that.                                      

I started forcing myself to think. " When did this start again?" I asked myself.  I realize that it's been weeks. I found myself extremely frustrated with the fact that I went 10, or 12 days without me having realized that I'm deep into depression. I've been battling this for six years now, you'd think I would've known that I was here, but I didn't. I started racking my brain for crazy things I may have done or said without realizing it. It's likely I haven't been checked in and present. I have likely frustrated people and have probably been pushing people away because that's what I do, both consciously and sub-consciously. I don't want to deal with this and I certainty I don't want others to have to deal with it as well.

Today I made Parker lunch, and I sat as he ate a pile of plain noodles.  As I watched this sweet boy eat I realized that plain pasta is like depression... Follow me here for minute.

I love food, I love spices, and flavors, condiments and seasoning. I love Mexican, Indian, sushi, the list goes on and on. When people ask, me what I don't like, what I won't eat, the response is olives. That's it. Great food is like living. It's exciting. The foods I love the most feed and nourish my body, but they do something else  they bring me on adventures, they make living all that more exciting. Food like plain noodles however, is something else. It's dull, and tasteless. It's just boring. That's how days in depression feel. Sure, you're living, but everything is bland.  When you're like me, a person who loves life, and adventure, bland is frustrating.  I've seen so many things, I've had amazing moments in my life, I've experienced so much joy and love. So when I'm thrown into depression, it's like being ripped away from a buffet of all my favorite foods and being forced plain noodles.

So here I sit today with depression sitting in front of me like a bowl of plain noodles.  If I only knew the taste of noodles it wouldn't be a problem, but I've tasted great things from so many places, which makes anything bland not only disappointing, but heart-breaking. I am aware that eventually my depression will subside and the flavors of my life will return, they always do, but it doesn't make what I have to eat right now any better.