Love and Grace.

This morning I woke up really excited about 2013. What a blessing it is that we are given chances and opportunities to start a new chapter in our lives. I got ready for work, felt amazing as I started my commute, and drank my Starbucks ... However, about half way to my destination I felt anxiety begin to take over.  I became overwhelmed by it in fact, but I wasn't sure why.

So here I've been, with Parker all day, attempting to be happy and externally calm for him, while inside I feel like I'm losing it.  The worst part is that for much of the morning I couldn't figure out what was going on, then suddenly a few minutes ago I realized what happened.

See, on my way to work I was thinking about all the things I'd like to improve in my life. I want to work on being a better version of myself and the new year really made me want to begin that process in even greater force. However, with this desire to improve myself I was swept into thoughts about how I fall short.

I am not always the best friend to people and right now there are some relationships im in where I know I'm not being the best I can be. Reminding myself of that made me feel disappointed.

I am not always the most considerate person, I get so self centered I forget to think about how what I do and say or what I don't do and say might affect other people. Reminding myself of the selfishness that runs so deep within me made me feel sick.

I am not always very nice to myself. I set myself up to fail or be disappointed because I don't always think I deserve to succeed or be happy. Knowing that made me feel sad.

So while the intention had been to make myself excited and motivated about all the positive things I might do and accomplish in my life in 2013,I actually began feeling disappointed, sick and sad.  No wonder anxiety took over.

Now, that led me to why.  Why did I start beating myself up like that? It's because I am very self critical. I've been told by so many mentors, teachers, therapists, friends, family members to be cautious of how self critical I am, and I try but the attempt to reach perfection is always deep with in me, though I know I can't ever get there, and the disappointment in falling down and failing eat me away, though I am aware everyone falls and fails.

The other part of this is the judgment from other people. There was a point when I felt extremely judged in such a way that it got to the core of my heart and spirit and it's had a tight hold on me since. After a few years of working through that I have realized that those who judged me and made me feel badly about myself were in the wrong, but that doesn't make  the fear of being judged like that go away, it just means I know that I must mentally battle it.

Ok, so now that I know why there was a sudden, overwhelming spike in my anxiety today I have to decide how to handle it.                 

I'm going to start by reminding myself that there will always be people watching me, judging me, thinking I should do this or ought not do that. But I'm the one who gets to decide if I listen to them and their opinions.

Next I will give myself extra servings of love and grace today.  I'm not perfect, I do mess up, in relationships, in life, in the way I treat myself, but that's ok. I'm human, so it's bound to happen. 

Finally, I'm going to make sure that the desire for improving myself is enjoyable and I in no way put pressure on myself. I want self improvement to be exciting and rewarding. I want to be proud of  myself not ashamed or disappointed in what I am not yet. 

So I leave you with this today: let the new year be an opportunity for you to grow and mold yourself into a better you, don't however, allow the attempt at improvement or the failures that come to be weapons you, or others use against you. Instead, focus on love, and be filled with grace.