Because I don’t have someone to do this with.

Tonight I am alone, in my pajamas with my glasses on and my hair pulled up into a ponytail. I decided that all I wanted to do tonight was nothing. Now, normally my introverted-self celebrates nights like these. However, tonight I was in bed, watching episodes of Portlandia, eating way too much popcorn and drinking a glass of wine when I became melancholy because I don’t have someone to do this with.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have so many people who love me and care about me and I know how blessed I am. I have a really wonderful family, I have amazing friends and I have a strong network of people here in L.A. who care about me and are always seeking to spend their time with me. With all of these people I’ve been given to love and who love me back, I know that I am never alone, however, that doesn’t make the fact that I haven’t found a guy any less frustrating or disappointing.

I use to be really sad, and totally pissed that I haven’t found anyone yet. At 17, I was the girl with no Senior prom date, at 21 I was the girl who had never been kissed, and there were a few times when I was the only one of the four siblings with no boyfriend or girlfriend at Thanksgiving dinners. I remember multiple nights where I’d just cry myself to sleep, or I’d yell at God demanding reasons for why everyone else seems to get someone, and He just won’t let it happen for me. The end of my teenage years, and the very beginning of my 20’s were rough.

By now of course there have been guys in my life, I had a first kiss, I had a boyfriend one time… for a minute, I’ve fallen hard for a few guys, but none of the relationships have ever got serious, none of them ever went anywhere. Eventually, I came to a point about 3 years ago where I just decided that I can’t keep living that frustrated or disappointed, it was eating away at my spirit, at my heart, at my joy, so I released what I could and just carry with me what I can’t.

For the most part the last few years have been, not so bad for me when it comes to the discontent I have with not being in a serious relationship. I learned to embrace the opportunity to be single, so I go out drinking and dancing, I spend tons of time with friends, and I just try to enjoy what I do have. When I first moved to L.A. I even decided that if I would take the opportunity to casually date as much as possible. I went on 8 first dates in 8 weeks. It was fun, it was interesting, and it wasn’t for me.

I like stability, I like commitment, and while I realize that people meet other people online all the time, most of the kinds of guys I found were looking for fun, like I was looking for that over the summer, but really I’m looking for forever.

So, now it’s been months since I went on a date. I spent 4 months cleaning up my life, focusing on me and not on guys. I took a break from dating all together. I deleted my online account, I respectfully declined date offers I received, I kicked out anyone who I found to be toxic in my life. I got myself in a good place; I started getting mentally, emotionally and physically healthier. I went on trips to visit people I love. I actively and intentionally worked on every aspect of my life that wasn’t dating and I was good with that, it’s just what I needed.

All of that however, doesn't stop moments like the one I had tonight, when I became melancholy because I don’t have someone to watch netflix's with, or play scrabble against, or to make dinner for.

I allow myself to start thinking that it’s because I’m nobody anyone wants, that I’m not enough. I could get really sad if I would let myself. I find myself back wanting to be pissed off, and sad again, like I use to be. I want to yell at God, beg him to let me know why he does this to me, why He refuses to give me someone.

But then I remember that it’s not about me not being good enough, it’s about me refusing to settle. It’s about me being determined to find a man who I’m crazy about and who is equally crazy about me.

I’m single because I don’t need a man, so I’m willing to wait for the one I want.

I know that a lot of you struggle with this same journey of being single….and to you I say, you aren’t alone. There are a lot of people who feel the way you do.

 They don’t feel like they are enough for someone, or that they will ever be loved so:

They build walls that are impossible to tear down, or they bury themselves in work and in projects or they just give up and hide away, pretending like they never wanted to find someone.

Or maybe they go the other way

They stay in a pseudo relationship, or they take whatever they can find, or they just jump into bed with anyone who gives them attention… just to jump right back out.

But, wow! We have got to remember that this isn't true.  That being single doesn't mean that you aren't enough for someone else, or that you can't be loved, it just means that you haven't been given the gift of forever love yet.

Now, if you are struggling with this journey here’s what I tell myself, so I’m going to tell you too:

If you want to be sad for a minute that’s ok, but know that someone (you don’t know who yet) is disappointed that they don’t have you yet either.

If you want to cry for a minute that’s ok, but know that someone (you don’t know who yet) is waiting for you and missing you too.

Mostly, let’s remember that the truth is: it’s better to wait than to settle. Let’s never let ourselves settle because we have nights where we are flooded with insecurity. Let’s never let ourselves get down on ourselves because our gift of love is simply taking a little bit longer to be crafted. Let’s keep on with becoming who we want to become, let's keep on building and enjoying the life and the things we have been given already. Above all, let’s keep our hearts filled with hope that we will soon find that person that was worth waiting for.