To Be Happy

2012. 

A lot changed in my life in 2012, and because of those changes I changed a lot. Looking back I believe that this will be one of the years I remember the most clearly for the rest of my life.  Today I asked myself “What was the most important thing you learned this year?” The answer to that would absolutely be that: sometimes you have to lose yourself to find yourself.

The last two years were really challenging for me. It seemed that the more I attempted to find myself, the more I lost myself. All the things I had once known about myself no longer seemed to be true and everything I felt, and believed appeared to change. I constantly felt like I was drowning in a sea filled of confusion, and uncertainty. For about a year I tried to hold on tighter to all the things I believed whether or not they felt right anymore.  

As a result, I stayed in a place I wasn’t happy, I dated the kinds of people I thought I should, rather than the people I really wanted to, I stopped standing up for myself.

I began to accept mediocre. I started to settle.  I felt defeated.

However, by the beginning of 2012 I decided that instead of attempting to hold on tighter and tighter to the person I thought I was, the person I once was, I would instead release that girl completely and start over.

Every aspect of my life changed in some way over the last year: religion, politics, dating, location, education direction, personal goals, my worldview, etc. etc. Some of the changes were big, others small. Some were easy and natural, others heartbreaking and challenging. 

There were many times throughout the last year where I believed I would never know who I was.  There were so many days where I was deep in deep dark places, so so many moments when I felt low, and lost. 

However, day by day, month by month, the real me, the true me began to take shape.

I took shape when I decided to go where I wanted, when I wanted. 

I took shape when I began to be with the people who I liked being around.

I took shape when I began to demand I was appreciated and respected by those in my life.

I took shape when I started standing up for myself.

I took shape when I stopped accepting mediocre and started looking for excellence.

I took shape when I stopped settling and demanded my life be extraordinary.

I took shape when I embraced who I was, how I was, where I was going.

I took shape when I fell in love with me, when I decided that when it comes down to it all I really want is to be happy.

2012 was my year of releasing who I thought I was or who others expected me to be. I instead focused on finding the real me and embracing that woman. I love the person I now see in the mirror and the woman I know I am in my heart.  In 12 months I went from being a girl who was lost, scared, and frustrated to being a woman who knows who she is, what she wants, and what she is worth.  I look forward to 2013, because now that I know who I am, and now I can just focus on becoming the best version of me.