The Chase

“Never chase love, affection or attention. If it isn't given freely by another person it isn't worth having.”

Those words cut so deep into my heart, and spirit that I actually feel physical pain when I read them.  They make me hurt so much because I, like most people have attempted to chase love, affection and attention throughout my life.  If I am very real about this subject I even have to admit that something deep inside me always desires to go after those things on a regular basis. Today, I’ve been asking myself why this is. 

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I wrote that opening paragraph, because the subject is overflowing from my heart today, but I needed some time to actively think about why I chase love, affection, and attention, even though I know that “If it isn't given freely by another person it isn't worth having”.  I really dug deep and I’ve decided it’s because I want to be wanted. 

Now, I’ve come a long way in the past few years, and I no longer see things as black and white, I know that most things are shades of grey, (not the sexy kind, the complex kind).  But here is something I do think is black and white, you either feel wanted, or you feel rejected.  Now this idea can apply to many areas in life: career, friendships, romantic relationships etc. Either a person feels wanted i.e. important, significant, valued… or they feel left out, alone, rejected.

I’ve found that because rejection is the feeling of being unwanted, it is perhaps the most painful thing I have to deal with and what’s worse is that rejection only builds up throughout my life, I can’t seem to get through a single day without feeling rejected or being reminded of someone who rejected me or a time of rejection I’ve experienced.

Rejection builds up, and fast.  It’s piled onto me every day from many areas of my life.  It begins to weigh me down and I often feel like I’m drowning in a sea of “you’re not good enough Ashley Reed”.

With this drowning feeling two things happen.

1. I feel inadequate in most every way.

2. I begin to get desperate.

 

These feelings of being inadequate and desperate mixed together prove to produce a cocktail unlike any other. With one drink I begin chasing love, affection and attention. With this dangerous cocktail in hand, I seek love from people who don’t know how to love me, or just don’t want to. I seek affection from whoever I think will give it to me, whether or not I would normally want any affection from them, and I petition for attention from everyone, even those who don’t deserve my time. 

The most frustrating part of all of this is that I know the truth. I know that chasing love, affection and attention is a waste of my time.  None of these things should be sought, they should just be found.  If authentic none of these things can be forced, only freely given.  I also know that if I end up in relationships with people who I had to chase down and persuade and convince to love me I will never find true peace or happiness, because I would know, deep down in my heart and in my spirit that what we have is fake, forced and bound to fail.  I would have no peace of mind, heart or spirit, ever.  I would always be wondering deep down if the people in my life really love me.  I would question if anything about my life was real, or if I was simply imitating a life, rather than living one. And you know what? I NEED more than that, I WANT more than that. 

Ok, so what do I do today, right now?

Today, I honestly don’t know, because today is a day where I’ve been reminded of a lot of painful rejection. I guess all I can do, is stay focused on what I really want and who I really am. I have to force myself to remember that I won’t be accepted by everyone, but that doesn’t make me any less valuable and I have to remember that chasing won’t get me anything but worn out.