Good Enough

Those closest to me know that about 4 years ago I faced an extremely challenging time in my life. I was working full time, while studying Christian Ministry, and volunteering several  days a week  with a middle school youth group.  The plan I had in mind was to find a job as a youth minister after I graduated from my degree program. I worked hard at school, and poured my heart into ministry.  I loved God, I loved my church, I loved the kids I served. 

During this time I began dating my first boyfriend. We were of course early 20-somethings, we cared about each other, we were very attracted to one another, we had every desire a couple has, but we determined that we would best honor God by creating clear boundaries about what we were going to do and not going to do physically in our relationship.  It was a challenge we maintained the boundaries, though one night kissing got a little too heated. As a result my chest displayed hickies, which were obviously visible. 

We immediately felt we had crossed lines and talked to each other about it. We talked about being more diligent with our boundaries, not pushing  the lines so much.  We had an open conversation where we both agreed we needed to be more careful. We thought that would be that. It wasn’t.

Over the next few weeks I got called into the church, I was told that pushing the boundaries in a few areas of my life was unacceptable.  That I was a leader and I couldn’t be a youth leader if I acted like this.  While I understand what the attempt of the meeting was, all I heard, all I took away was YOU TRY AND TRY BUT YOU AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH.

This shook my world. I felt kicked out of a club that everyone else seemed welcome to.  I felt pushed down. Singled out. I felt isolated. I felt like someone should have stood up for me but they didn’t. Not really.

I tried to continue my life as I had but my core had been shaken.  I’d walk into church and though I’d corrected my behavior I felt draped in shame.  I worried about holding my boyfriend’s hand, I worried about the clothes I wore, I worried about the beer I had while I watched the Packers play.  For a year all I heard, all I felt was YOU TRY AND TRY BUT YOU AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH.

Finally the pain and the shame became too much to bear. I decided that my all wasn’t good enough for God, so what was the point. Within a year my boyfriend and I quickly broke up. I stopped volunteering at church. I moved. I changed my major. I stopped going to church.  I started running away from God, because being close to Him made me feel like I was a fool, thinking that my best was pleasing, when now I saw that my best was fine until I failed.

By the next year the repeat of YOU TRY AND TRY BUT YOU AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH had me about as far away from God as I could have been.  I figured what’s the point. I did whatever I wanted.  Amongst so many other things, I drank too much, I gave no concern for what I wore and most of all I blew physical boundaries out the water.

As a result the last 4 years have come with their own set of problems and hurt.  The last 4 years have consisted of my attempting to find a new place I belong;  a new place where I can love people, where I can work my way into people’s lives, where I can once again feel like I’m part of something, where I can feel at home.

I thought I had found that with my move to Los Angeles.  But some months ago, after I made a mistake and I found myself feeling like I did the day I was at church being told that what I do is unacceptable.  Once again my world shook. Once I felt kicked out of a club that everyone else seemed welcome to.  I felt pushed down. Singled out. I felt isolated. I felt like someone should have stood up for me but they didn’t, not completely.  

While this recent mess has been heartbreaking, I now believe that the purpose of it was to make the last 4 years come full circle.  I believe it was God’s way of having me look at a bigger picture. 

I can finally now clearly hear God again.  I hear Him telling me, “MEN say to you, “YOU TRY AND TRY BUT YOU AREN’T GOOD ENOUGH.” But I tell you “Ashley, I love you.  Just as you are.  I love you when you’re flying and when you’ve fallen. I love you when you’re obeying and I love you when you can’t seem to get it right. Let men have their opinions, let them say what they will, because you know, I know you do, that only my opinion counts, and Ash, I created you so you are more than good enough, you are mine.”

Out of all of this the lesson I have learned is: If people want someone who is perfect, they’ll have to go somewhere else, because I am not perfect, I won’t ever be.  I will fall, and I will fail.  I will let them down, and I will disappoint.  However, if people want an authentic person, then I am the right person.  My heart is sincere and filled with care.  Love flows through me and out of me.  Perfection from me is impossible but my love and sincerity are steadfast.

Seasons

The other day I overheard two women talking and one simply whispered "Everything has its season." As I passed by I stored those words in my mind and later that day I began to unpack the impact that simple thought truly had on me. 

So often I find myself waiting and preparing for what’s next, the next chapter of my life.  A new city, the hope of a relationship, furthering my education, a vacation, etc. etc. I constantly find myself anxious to finish the moment I find myself in, because what I plan will come next seems more exciting, fulfilling, seems more appealing.  I suppose it’s the “the grass is always greener on the other side” effect that I seem to believe to be gospel.

I often dream of the day I have a career, because no matter how much I love being a nanny, I don’t want to do it forever.

I frequently wonder when I’ll find a steady relationship, because while I’m content with being single in the moment I know I don't want to be single my entire life.

I continually imagine a moment, a time to come, when I know longer feel a war within me between being a scared little girl and a confident woman.

However, with the simple words spoken by a woman I didn’t know my entire view of life shifted.  While I’ve heard the phrase “Everything has its season” many times before, I finally heard the words not only with my ears but also with my heart.

How powerful it is to know, and then remember that every part of our life has a specific purpose, and comes in timing that far exceeds our own understanding; a purpose not to be rushed through or frustrated with, but to be appreciated and embraced.

There is a reason that I am in a season in which I’m working but I’m not in my dream career.  It gives me something to work towards.

There is a reason that I am in a season in which I am single. It is allowing me to truly seek and know myself, before I add some hottie to the mix.

There is a reason I am in a season in which I struggle between feeling like a scared little girl and a confident woman.  It requires that I work on myself to become the kind of person I long to be.

"Everything has its season." I believe this to be true. And now that I’ve opened not only my ears but also my heart to these words I truly believe that my present life has blossomed into something incredibly beautiful. I will no longer be anxious to finish the moment I find myself in. From now on I hope to know and remember that each step, each moment, each season has a specific purpose, and that the next season will come in it's own perfect timing, so there’s no reason to rush through what I have, where I am, who I am; in this moment.

Minefields

Experience has taught me that when a person exits my life they will reemerge eventually. In fact I am now a pretty firm believer in the idea that "they always come back". While this concept would have at one time been a great comfort for me, something to look forward to, a thread of hope to hang tight to, I now hate this simple belief.

I hate this idea I've found to be truth, because people tend to come back the moment I am completely content with the decision they had made to no longer be part my life , the moment my heart has healed from the hurt they caused, the moment I know I can live without them. 

I now feel so conflicted while I grieve for relationships I feel I've lost, because part of me wants nothing more than to heal and move on, while another part of me hesitates to fully recover from a heartbreak because I believe the moment I'm finally at peace with what's happened, or not happened, the person, relationship, heartache I've been actively recovering from will reappear, and tear open the wound I've been working  so diligently at stitching together. 

So often I find myself holding my breath as I make my way through the stages of grief, because I feel that if I fully exhale the hurt, pain, and disappointment I will likely take no more than two breaths before the air is knocked out of me again, with the blow of the person in question making their grand reappearance. 

The heartache in the days or months following a relationship not progressing, or working out the way I so hoped it would results in a walk through a minefield of emotions. As I've gotten older I've learned how to maneuver through these fields strategically. I've learned how, where and when to step as to avoid being torn apart from the explosions that come if I linger too long on the hopes, feelings, words, passion I'd felt. I've successfully made it through emotional minefields time after time. I've found that each time I make my way though a battlefield it's easier. I think this ease comes partially from the confidence I have in my ability to make it through a great heartache, and partially because the need to make it through a hypothetical field of emotional booby traps in one piece is an absolute necessity. 

However, the problem I now face is no longer the question of whether or not I will make it through the emotional minefields we all must walk through after heartache, whether or not Ill be able to avoid being torn apart by the emotional bombs I encounter, because I know I'll make it. The problem I now face is found in that idea of "they always come back". 

It seems to me that time and time again I've made it through minefields only to be hit and shattered by the reappearance of a person who walked away, who hurt me deeply. In my experiences these reappearances make me feel as though I've escaped a minefield only to be hit by a car. 

Get over it

One of the struggles I have is my inability to let things go.  I know from life experience that some things aren't ever going to be "ok", that some situations won't ever be resolved, that not every relationship can be salvaged.  However, I can never seem to just accept that and move on. 

I am constantly beating myself up over anything I deem a failure.  I let myself believe that every imperfect thing is my fault, that I could have done better or worked harder.  That I am too much for people, too critical, my expectations are too high, that I am the common factor in all my problems so I must be the problem.

I want to keep talking, I want to keep trying, I want to keep fixing.  I find that I take so many things far too personally, I find that I allow conflict or anything that is unresolved to chip away at my spirit, to create overwhelming anxiety, to drive me crazy.

Of course over the years I have learned from experience that not everything can or will be resolved.  So when I try everything I can, and still fall short of my goal I decide that I just need to "get over it".

I've gone to see therapists after these "failed" experiences, situations and relationships. Typically I walk in their door once I'm at the "Ash, you need to get over it phase".  After a couple sessions of pouring out my heart, and soul to a therapist I find that they're response is two fold:

1. They tell me I'm too hard on myself, as one therapist told me "Ashley, you are so full of grace for others, but have so little grace for yourself"

2. They tell me that you can't just expect to get over things.

Now I've been learning over the past couple years to actively have more grace with myself.  I still struggle with it, I still have a lot of anxiety in my imperfection, but I've made great personal strides in this area. 

The part that I struggle more with is why can't I just get over things? 

Other people seem to just stop giving a shit, so why can't I? 

Other people can just not care about a failed experience, situation, relationship, so why can't I?

Other people can just walk away, and not look back, so why can't I?

WHY CAN'T I JUST GET OVER IT!!? I yell this question to myself all the time.  But finally yesterday I was listening to Jillian Michael's podcast and she explained it perfectly:

"You don't get around things in life, you don't get over things... you work through them.... what are the lessons? what are you meant to learn? how are you going to grow?"

I thought that this statement was one of the wisest things I've heard in a really long time.  It was an idea or a concept I was already familiar with, but there was just something about the timing, and the wording that truly touched my heart. 

The truth is that people don't and can't truly just decide to stop giving a shit, they can't decide to stop caring, or they can't decide to just walk away from the experiences, situations, relationships that are important to them.  What these people are really  attempting to do is get around or over things... they aren't working through the situations, they are trying to ignore the hurt or loss, and honestly these people might get away with not giving a shit, with not caring, with not looking back FOR A WHILE, but eventually everything they are trying to avoid, everything they are trying to ignore, everything that they are trying to suppress is going to show it's self, it's going to catch up to them, it's going to flow out of their heart and spirit.  The hurt, the anger, the loss is going to pour out eventually, and will likely be uncontainable.  More than likely it's going to be a dam that breaks.  The feelings are going to flood their life when the timing is bad, the hurt, the anger are likely going to be projected onto the wrong people, the loss is going be delayed but no less painful.

So here is my new point of view. 

I can't just "get over" things because nobody is supposed to just "get over" anything, instead I have to work through things. It may be a slow, difficult journey but working through difficult experiences, challenging situations, broken relationships is the only real way to learn, grow, change and mature.  It's the only way to gather the lessons I need. It's the only way for me to be the strongest, most prepared, most bad ass version of myself. Working through things is the only way to be ready what for ever life is going to throw at me next. 

No Equation

I use to believe the problem with a broken heart was that I had a broken heart. I hated the tight feeling in my chest when I thought about the person who had caused me so much pain.  I hated the feeling of warm tears running down my face.  I hated waking up in the middle of the night overwhelmed by all my subconscious thoughts and feelings.  I hated feeling broken.

I am now a woman who has had my fill of broken hearts, and while I don't like the tight feeling in my chest, or the warm tears streaming down my face, the restless nights or the deep brokenness I feel when I find myself alone and silent, I no longer believe the problem with a broken heart is that I have a broken heart, I've decided that the true problem with a broken heart is that I don't know how long my heart is going to be broken.

At 26 years old I no longer wonder if my heart will heal. I know it will.  I no longer believe that I won't possibly move on, I know I will.  I know that my heart will heal, I will heal, that I'll meet someone new, that I'll move on.  I know that I'll love other people.  I know that I'll slowly forget how awful the end of this chapter feels. I know, I know, I know! I know so many things.  What I don't know is when the heartache will come to an end.

I wonder how long I'll continue to check my phone with that little sliver of hope that he's come around.

I wonder how long it will be until he's not the one I find myself crying in a bathroom bar about after I've had a couple of shots.

I wonder how long it will be before I will no longer be tempted to on the worst days, dull the pain with chocolate, hard liquor, male attention and sleeping until noon.

I'm thankful that with age I've learned that eventually my heart will be renewed, however, no amount of age or experience will ever provide me with an equation by which I can find the ultimate answer I'm always in search of... I will never have a way of knowing how many days it will take my heart to finally catch up with my brain. How many days until I'm finally over "that one guy"

Irrational

I've found that people love to label others as "irrational". I have been called this by many people in my past. 

Once I was called irrational by a former best friend of mine. We had been best friends for years and one day for reasons still unbeknownst to me our friendship ended. I went from talking to this person every single day to being cut out of his life in every way. My heart broke and I mourned the greatest loss I had ever felt. 

Not knowing why he had decided to end our friendship I tried for months to find the answers. I sent him emails to which he never responded. I called a few times, and the phone was never answered. Heartbroken and devastated I made one last appeal by showing up to his apartment with plate of cookies asking to come in a talk. He refused to let me in and told me I was irrational. I left that night and haven't spoken to him in 4 years.

Recently I was talking to a guy who I cared for a great deal. He's come in and out of my life for the past 15 years and for a few years now I've hoped to build some sort of authentic relationship with him.  There have been a few times through lives when our paths have crossed during which he has allowed me to see very small pieces of himself, of his  heart and as a result I lowered my own guard. I found myself vulnerable to him. 

We talked for months and then life finally gave us an opportunity to spend time together. It was great, but he didn't stick around long. There were other factors that made our situation difficult and that I understand.  I asked to still be in his life, I asked to be his friend and to that he never responded. 

After months I talked to him again. He claimed he isn't in my life because I'm irrational. There it is again. Being accused of being irrational because I long to effectively communicate with someone, because I hope for reasons as to why someone has shut me out, labeled irrational because I was brave and decided to be vulnerable, Because I decided to risk heartache. 

........

Irrational is egging a persons car because they don't like you.

Irrational is showing up everywhere the other person goes.

Irrational is calling/texting/facebooking a person over and over. 

I've never done any of those things. 

........

Asking to call the person to clear the air isn't irrational. 

Asking to meet for coffee to talk isn't irrational.

Asking to repair a broken relationship isn't irrational. 

I have done all of those things. 

I write this blog because have found that so many people I know are accused of being irrational for the same reasons I have been. People with gentle spirits and open hearts, people with a desire for clear communication, and hope to repair relationships. People willing to be humble and show their weaknesses. These are the people considered irrational. Being kind, focused on relationships, loving and hopeful isn't irrational it's courageous and shows true strength.

I wish the world would recognize this. 

Energy

You know those relationships in your life that require so much of your energy? The ones which drain you rather than fill you, the ones that are exhausting not exciting. 

The ex boyfriend who you try to stay friends with after the two of you mutually break up. 

The friend who suddenly disappears from your day to day life. 

The guy you're crazy about but you realize has put you on the back burner.

The family member who projects all their emotional insecurities and life frustrations onto you. 

You know those relationship? I do. So well.

Last night I was thinking about how these people, the ones I've (on many occasions) put the most time and energy into pleasing, into trying to make happy, into catering to, are in fact the people with whom I have little or no relationship with today. 

Let me clarify this.

Now in all relationships there is always time, and energy that is required to make the relationship healthy. There must be open communication. There must be empathy, sympathy, understanding, forgiveness, grace, and acceptance. Healthy relationships require kind words, quality time and authenticity. However, all of these must be done by both parties. Healthy relationships are a two way street, which require equal giving and receiving by both people.

So when I realized last night that the people I've put the most time and energy into pleasing, into trying to make happy, into catering to, are in fact the people with whom I actually have little or no relationship with, it occurred to me that this was because all that time, and energy was being focused and used on relationships which weren't really relationships at all. 

Once I realized this I was of course frustrated that I have repeated this cycle  so many times and I was sad that I've wasted my energy on the wrong people on the wrong relationships. I immediately  determined that I will do longer do this. 

With my new found awareness fresh on my heart I happened to hear a quote this  morning which is incredibly fitting for my life right in this moment: 

"Channel your energy to the places in your life where it will have the most positive effect..."

So there it is, the way to change the poor relationship habits Ive allowed to be such central part of my life.  No more trying to convince someone I'm worth sticking around for, that a friendship with me would benefit them, that I'm the girl they should move from the back burner position. No more allowing myself to be the doormat, the pushover. No more energy wasted on negative people, in negative places; where my energy is drained and my spirit is shattered. 

From now on if it's not going to result in positive effects it no longer has my time, attention or energy.